


From Dusk Till Dawn

by BookNeat



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Norse Religion & Lore, honestly some soft shit, not beta read we die like men, two idiots in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:14:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25644883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookNeat/pseuds/BookNeat
Summary: Lukas has spent the majority of his life believing Mathias will never love him. Mathias wants nothing more than to spend every waking moment with him.
Relationships: Denmark & Hesse, Denmark/Norway (Hetalia), Finland/Sweden (Hetalia), Hesse/Belgium, Hong Kong/Iceland (Hetalia)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from: From Dusk till Dawn by ZAYN
> 
> TW Some self-harm, however it isn't all that descriptive, but that being said, your health is more important than any fic that I or anyone else writes.

The ordeal began on a quiet Sunday morning. Tino was dancing around the kitchen, making grabs at eggs and flour as he prepared breakfast for his family. Berwald sat at the breakfast table reading the morning paper, a cup of coffee in hand. Lukas sat across from him, hunched over his third cup of coffee, still only half awake. Emil and Leon, who was staying for a few weeks, were on the couch; Emil’s head lying on Leon’s lap, both asleep as far as anyone could tell. It was a peaceful moment, but moments like these never lasted long. 

Mathias bounded down the stairs with a bright smile and an overly enthusiastic Peter on his back. He set Peter down in the living room, turned the tv to an acceptable channel and set it to a quiet volume so as not to completely disturb Emil and Leon, before bounding into the kitchen and taking his place next to Lukas. 

“Morning,” he said rather cheerily. 

“Mornin’,” Berwald said over the newspaper. Lukas huffed, annoyed by Mathias’ early morning enthusiasm. 

Mathias, unsatisfied with Lukas’ response, slipped out of his seat and wrapped his hands around Lukas’ shoulders. 

“Good morning Lukas,” he whispered in his ear. 

Lukas simply pushed him off and tried to hide the blush creeping across his face in his coffee. Mathias sat back down, this time pressing into Lukas’ shoulder. 

“I had a dream last night. Do you know what it was about?” Mathias smiled. 

“No. I don’t care,” Lukas mumbled, taking another long sip from his coffee. 

“Humour me.”

“Fine,” Lukas sighed. “What, Mathias, was your dream about?” 

“A man who lit up my world. Who was beautiful and flawless and caring. He lit up my whole world, Lukas. I’m in love with him,” Mathias’ grin grew as he told Lukas about his dream. “And I get to see him every day. He’s real, Lukas.” 

Lukas’ face remained stony as he got up to refill his coffee before starting up the stairs. “It’s too early for this. Tino, get me when breakfast is ready.” And with that, Lukas was gone. 

Mathias deflated and looked at Berwald, who just shrugged. 

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Tino said with a smile. 

“Yeah, he probably had a late night or something,” Mathias sighed. 

The kitchen was almost silent again, the only noise came from the hiss of waffles and the drone of Peter’s cartoons in the living room. 

“Mathias, come watch cartoons with me please?” Peter asked, seemingly appearing out of nowhere. 

“Sure kiddo.” He smiled as he got up. “Hey Tino, breakfast almost ready?” 

“Ten minutes,” He said, looking at the waffle iron. “Maybe fifteen. I’ll have you get Lukas when breakfast is ready.” 

Mathias nodded and followed Peter into the living room. “Alright, what are we watching?” He asked sitting on one of the chairs beside the couch so not to wake up Emil, pulling Peter on to his lap. 

“Avatar, duh.” 

“Which one?” Mathias asked, wrapping an arm around Peter’s lap. 

“Legend of Korra. We finished Last Airbender a week ago, remember?” 

“Yeah, right, sorry,” Mathias mumbled.

Peter smiled at him before turning to the tv and settling into Mathias’s lap. Mathias looked at the tv a moment before glancing over at Leon and Emil. Leon looked up and smiled at him. He smiled back, looking down at where Leon’s hand was carding through Emil’s hair. 

“He really loves you, you know?” 

“I love him too,” Leon whispered. “If anything happened to him…” 

“I know,” Mathias said. “You’d be devastated. I get it.” 

Leon nodded and turned his attention back to Emil, who began to shift in Leon’s lap. 

Mathias turned back to watch Korra join the Fire Ferrets, but quickly gave up, letting his mind wander to the man of his dreams. When he came back to Earth, Tino was shaking his shoulder trying to get his attention. 

“Hey, breakfast is ready. Can you please get Lukas?” Tino asked. 

Mathias looked up at him confused for a second before nodding. As he stood up, he looked around the living room.

“Where is everyone?” 

“In the kitchen,” Tino said with a smile. “Hurry, food is getting cold, and I can only keep the children off the food for so long.” 

“Leon and I are adults!” Emil shouted from the kitchen. 

“He means Berwald!” Mathias shouted back.

Berwald responded with an undignified squawk, and with that, Mathias turned and headed towards the stairs. He stopped at the bottom and looked up, unsure why he was nervous, it was just Lukas. He wouldn’t hurt him, not on purpose anyway. He took a deep breath and walked up the stairs, stopping at Lukas’ door. 

* * *

Lukas walked into his room, and lit a candle before lying back in his bed and hiding his head under the covers. He took a shaky breath and curled up into a ball as tears began to stream down his face. Downstairs he could hear Peter’s cartoons and the clatter of Tino making breakfast. They were all so happy: Emil had Leon, Tino had Berwald and Peter, and Mathias had the man in dreams, whoever that was. He began to sob and pulled his arms closer to his body. Why couldn’t he just be happy like them? Sure Mathias didn’t love him, but at least he talked to him. He was lucky. He should be happy. 

“Why can’t I hate him?” He whispered. “Why can’t he hate me?” 

Lukas kicked the covers off his bed and clawed at his skin, leaving crescents in its wake. His sobs faded to dry heaving, and he sat up in his bed. 

“Even if he didn’t hate me, I could never be that person. He loves someone who is caring and beautiful,” he looked through the open bathroom door to the mirror. “That’s not me.” 

He glanced over at the candle, which had melted almost completely. He took a deep breath before walking over, blowing out the flame, and moving the candle to the centre of the room and sitting down. Lukas paused a moment, pushing up his sleeves before pouring the hot wax on his arm. He hissed in pain and watched the wax dribble down his arms and harden in a puddle on the floor. He was so focused on the wax, he didn’t notice the door open. 

“Hey Lukas, breakfast is…” Mathias stopped, looking between Lukas and the candle jar on the ground. “What are you doing?” 

“It was an accident,” Lukas said quickly. “I was moving the candle and I dropped it.” 

“And it spilled all over your arm, so you sat on the ground?” Mathias asked slowly. 

“I was picking it up,” Lukas said weakly. 

“Yeah, I don’t think so,” Mathias dropped to his knees in front of Lukas. “What are you doing?” 

“Nothing.” 

“This isn’t nothing, Lukas. This is a pretty big something. What the hell were you thinking?” Mathias took Lukas’ hand. “Talk to me. Please.” ‘Please’ came out as a broken whisper. 

Lukas pulled back his hand and moved away from Mathias. “Why do you care?” 

“Because I can’t lose you,” he whispered. “If something happened to you…” Mathias stopped a moment thinking back to his conversation with Leon. “But something has. God, Lukas-” 

“Save it, okay. I know I’m your best friend or whatever, but I’m fine. Just leave me alone!”

“No.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“You heard me. Lukas I’m not leaving you. Not when you need me,” Mathias shuffled towards Lukas and grabbed his hand. 

Lukas pulled away and stood up. “No I don’t,” he said, trying to convince himself more than he was Mathias. He walked into the bathroom and slammed the door. 

Mathias sighed and stood up. “Come on, open the door. I want to help you.” 

“I don’t need your help, Mathias.” 

“Please just let me in,” Mathias begged, resting his head on the door. “We can talk about this. I can get you help.” 

“You can’t help me. Just go.”

“No!” 

“Mathias. Leave.” 

Mathias took a deep breath and turned to the door, walking out of Lukas’s room and back downstairs. 

Once Lukas was sure Mathias was gone, he turned to the bathtub and began scraping the wax off his arm, hissing as burned skin hit the water. He didn’t even realise he was crying until he looked in the mirror. 

* * *

Mathias hurled himself down the stairs and ran into the kitchen. 

“Berwald, I need you upstairs,” he said, holding back tears. 

“What’s goin’ on?” Berwald asked. 

“I just need you. It’s important,” Mathias said looking between Berwald and Emil. “Like, really fuckin’ important.” 

Berwald sighed and followed Mathias upstairs, leaving Emil looking between Leon and Tino. 

“I’m sure everything is okay,” Tino said, placing a waffle in front of him. “And if it’s not, I doubt Lukas wants you to see him in any sort of trouble.” 

Emil nodded and leaned against Leon. 

* * *

Berwald walked into Lukas’ room, silently noticing the now hardened pool of wax on the carpet. 

“Where is he?” Berwald asked. 

Mathias pointed towards the closed bathroom door. “In there. He won’t come out. I tried”

Berwald nodded and opened the door. “Did you try to open it yourself?” 

“I thought it was locked,” Mathias said, rubbing the back of his neck. “He usually locks the door…” 

“Mmm,” Berwald turned to look at Lukas, who was washing his hands in the sink. 

Lukas looked up and spotted him staring into the mirror. 

“Knock much?” He asked, turning to dry his hands, his sleeves still rolled up past his elbows. His forearms were an angry red and blisters were starting to form where the wax had hardened before trailing off his arms. 

Berwald looked at Lukas, eyes wide. “Lukas?”

Lukas looked over at Berwald and quickly realised what he was looking at. 

“Lukas? What happened?” Berwald moved towards him. 

“Nothing,” Lukas said, taking a step back, trying to roll down his sleeves. “It was an accident, really. I spilled candle wax a-and…” He stopped, looking past Berwald to Mathias. “And, um…” He stopped. 

Mathias peered over Berwald’s shoulder and froze. Lukas looked so small pressed up against the porcelain sink. He felt his heart break. 

“Talk to me Lukas,” Berwald pleaded. “What happened?” 

Lukas opened his mouth, but nothing came out. 

“This wasn’t an accident, was it?” Berwald asked gently. 

Lukas looked down and shook his head. 

Berwald nodded and turned to Mathias. “See if you can get him out of the bathroom. I’m going to grab something to treat the burns.” 

Berwald left the room and Mathias moved towards Lukas. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “We’re gonna help you.” 

Lukas didn’t move, nor did he look up at Mathias. 

“Luka, please let us help you.” 

Lukas looked up at the nickname. Mathias grinned at him and held out a hand. 

“There you are,” he whispered. “C’mon, let's at least get this wrapped up. I don’t think you need to go to the hospital, but Ber may say otherwise; if you do, I won’t leave your side.”

Lukas took his hand and followed Mathias out of the bathroom. He glanced over at the wax on the carpet and froze. 

“Don’t worry about that. We’ll try to get it out, and if we can’t, it’s IKEA, we’ll get a new one.” 

Lukas nodded and looked at nothing as Mathias guided him out of his room. Lukas frowned and looked up at Mathias.

“We’re going to my room. You don’t need to be in there right now,” Mathias said, opening the door to his room. 

For as long as they had lived together, Lukas had never been in Mathias’s room. He looked around and smiled a little. Mathias’s room was painted a dark gray, with photos of him, Lukas, Emil, Tino, Berwald, and other friends hanging on the walls and in frames on the dresser. The ground was covered in fur rugs, and plants hung from the ceiling. The bed was unmade and had more pillows and blankets than sleeping space. It was a stark contrast to Lukas’s room, which was cold and impersonal.

“It’s kinda messy, sorry,” Mathias said softly, sitting Lukas on his bed. “I wasn’t expecting another man in my room today.” 

Lukas snorted and ran his hand over a blanket. “It’s cozy.” Something about the room seemed so Mathias, but at the same time so different. “And calm.” 

“Yeah, well, I can’t be, what did you call it? A menace all the time,” Mathias said with a grin. 

Lukas cringed at the insult. 

“I’m glad you like it though,” Mathias said softly. “Feel free to come in whenever you want, even if I’m not here. The door’s always open.” 

Lukas looked up at him, about to ask a question when Berwald shouted their names. 

“In my room!” Mathias shouted back. “I thought it would be better than him sitting in his room with the wax puddle.” 

Berwald nodded and smiled at Lukas. “Give me your arm. I want to make sure you don’t need to go to the doctor.” 

Lukas nodded and held out his arm. Berwald seemed at home in Mathias’s room, and he wondered who else spent a lot of time in here. 

“What d'ya think, doc?” Mathias asked. 

“No doctor, but we might be here for a while.” 

Mathias nodded and moved to wrap his body around Lukas. Lukas froze a moment before leaning back. 

“You’re gonna be okay,” Mathias whispered in Lukas’s ear. Lukas shivered and closed his eyes, letting himself savor being wrapped up in the Dane’s arms. 

Berwald worked silently, covering his arm in Neosporin and aloe before wrapping it up in gauze. “I’m guessing you want to eat up here?” Berwald asked softly. 

Lukas nodded and looked at his arm. 

Berwald nodded. “What about you, Mathias?” 

“I’ll stay with him.” 

Berwald turned and left the room, heading downstairs to get the pair breakfast. 

Mathias detangled himself from Lukas and walked over to the other side of the bed. Lukas looked behind him, trying to hide the hurt on his face, to find Mathias moving pillows around so they could both sit at the head of the bed. Mathias sat down and patted the bed next to him. “Come here.” 

Lukas crawled over and sat just out of arm's reach. Mathias huffed and reached over, pulling Lukas into his chest. “I meant here.”

Lukas melted into his chest, before he could realise what was happening, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

“We don’t have to talk about it right now, but we have to at some point,” Mathias whispered, carding his hand through Lukas’ hair. 

Lukas sighed and felt his eyes grow heavy and settled deeper into Mathias’ chest. 

“Go to sleep. I’ll be here,” Mathias whispered. “I promise.” 

Lukas fell asleep. 

* * *

Berwald walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, which was full of chatter as Tino was trying to keep everyone’s mind off of Mathias’ emergency. 

He turned to the waffle batter, pouring it into the waffle iron and closing the lid. He gripped the edge of the counter and took a deep breath before turning to get another cup of coffee, which honestly, God bless Tino, was hot and freshly brewed. 

“Is everything okay?” Peter asked, looking up at his father. 

“Hmm? Oh, yeah,” Berwald said, smiling at Peter. “Everything is going to be okay.” He moved to sit between Tino and Peter at the table while he waited for the waffles to finish cooking. He took a long sip of coffee before lying his head on Tino’s shoulder. 

Leon seemed to notice something was off and looked at Peter. “How about you and I go play in the living room. Your choice.” 

Peter nodded and smiled, taking Leon’s hand. Leon kissed Emil’s head before letting the eight year-old pull him into the living room. 

Emil looked between Berwald and Tino and frowned. “What is it?” 

Berwald let out another shaky breath and leaned toward Emil. “Mathias found Lukas with hot wax all over his arm.” 

Tino gasped and Emil leaned back, scrubbing his face with his hands. 

“L-Like an accident, or?” Emil asked, not wanting his voice to carry to the living room. 

“Self-harm.” Berwald confirmed, taking another sip of his coffee. “I cleaned up his arm, I swear this isn’t the first time, his arms are scared. This is just the first time he was caught.” 

“That we know of,” Tino murmured.

“What do you mean?” Berwald asked, looking at Tino. 

“We could have seen the burns and cuts, and he could have just played it off as a hiking injury, or a cooking injury, or some other injury.” 

“Jesus,” Emil whispered. “Did you ask?” 

Berwald shook his head no. “He wasn’t talking.” 

“But why?” Emil asked.

“I don’t know, kid,” Berwald sighed, leaning back and wrapping an arm around Tino. “Right now, we just need to be there for him.” 

Tino nodded and took one of Emil’s hands. “Maybe talk to him later.” 

Emil nodded and stood up. “I’m going to go watch Leon and Peter. I need to, um…” Emil looked up at the ceiling. “Process this.”

Berwald nodded and watched Emil leave the room. He turned to Tino and searched his face. “What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking that you are incredible, and kind, and smart, and strong.” Tino smiled, kissing him gently. “But you don’t need to be strong all the time. Let me carry some of the weight.” 

Berwald smiled and kissed Tino again. “I love you.” 

“I love you too, honey.” 

Berwald stood up and took the waffles out of the waffle iron. Tino brought over plates and wrapped his arms around his husband’s waist. “After you come back down, how about you and I take Peter for a walk? Take our minds off of things and get some energy out of him?” 

“But Lukas-”

“Will be fine. Mathias, Emil, and Leon are capable and can hold down the fort for two hours, okay?” 

Berwald nodded, dishing up the waffles. “Yeah, okay.” 

Tino kissed his shoulder and grabbed silverware. “Hurry back.” 

Berwald gave him one more kiss before taking the waffles upstairs to Mathias’s room. 

He walked into Mathias’ room, and Mathias held a finger to his mouth and shushed Berwald. “He’s sleeping.” 

Berwald nodded and placed the plates on Mathias’ bedside table. “How is he?” 

“Not sure. He fell asleep before we could talk,” Mathias whispered. 

“How did you get him to do that?” Berwald asked, pointing to where Lukas had slipped down Mathias’ chest and into his lap. 

“I couldn’t tell ya. He didn’t want to come near me, but when I pulled him close he relaxed and crashed. He never lets me this close-at least not for this long.” 

“S’cute.” 

“Mmm. I wish I knew what he was thinking half the time. Maybe if I knew, I’d know why he did this,” Mathias whispered, looking down at Lukas’ sleeping form. 

“This wasn’t the first time he’s done this. I think this is the first time he’s been caught and couldn’t lie his way out.” 

Mathias’s head snapped up and he frowned. “What?” 

“He had scars from cuts and what I’m guessing are past burns. I don’t think any of those were accidents.” Berwald said, sitting at the edge of the bed. “Mathias, he needs help. More help than we can give him.” 

Mathias nodded and looked away. 

“Can I ask a question?” 

Mathias nodded, turning back to Berwald. “Shoot.” 

“You love him? He’s the man in your dream?” 

“Yeah, yeah he is,” Mathias whispered, not daring to look down at Lukas. “I love him, Ber. If something happened to him…” He wiped tears away. “I don’t know what I’d do.” 

Berwald smiled and cupped Mathias’ cheek. “Nothing will happen to him. We’re going to get him help, okay?” 

Mathias nodded, watching Berwald stand and walk to the door. 

“Hey Ber?” 

“Yeah, Mathias?” 

“Thank you. I don’t know what I would have done without you.” 

“You’re welcome. You would have done the same if it were me.” Berwald said before leaving the room. 

Mathias looked down at Lukas and brushed his hair out of his face. He then grabbed his phone and began cancelling his plans for the day. Lukas needed him, even if he believed he didn’t. Once he finished, he glanced over at the waffles and grinned, Tino always made the best waffles. He took a plate and began eating, careful not to wake Lukas or drop crumbs on his head. The last thing he wanted was Lukas waking up angry. 

When he finished, he shifted Lukas so he wouldn’t wake up with a crick in his neck and grabbed a book from the small pile on his bedside table. The pile was more for show than anything he was actually reading, but he didn’t want to disturb the quiet of the room. The book ended up being an interior design book from when he was redesigning his room, but anything was better than thinking about what had transpired that morning. 

* * *

Berwald walked downstairs and saw Emil, Leon, and Peter on the couch pretending the ground was lava. He smiled softly and walked over to Tino, who was cleaning up the kitchen. 

“Sit, I can do that,” he said gently. 

“I’m almost done, and you need to eat. You can pay me back later,” Tino said with a smile, bringing over a plate of waffles. “How are they?” 

“They seem okay. Lukas is sleeping in Mathias’ lap. I’ll bet Mathias eats all the waffles and has to get Lukas something when he wakes up,” Berwald chuckled. 

“On his lap?” Tino said, shocked at Lukas’s behavior. It wasn’t a secret that Lukas kept his distance from Mathias for some reason or another.

“Mmm. Mathias seemed rattled though.”

“Well, I would be too. He loves Lukas. Anyone can see that.” 

Berwald looked up at Tino in shock. “You knew?”

“Honey, everyone knows, maybe except for Lukas. Mathias doesn’t go out of his way to be close to anyone the way he does Lukas. How could you not know?” 

“I don’t know. He told me while we were upstairs.” 

“At least he can admit it,” Tino said. “When I asked him a while back, he said no-oh.” 

“What?” Berwald looked up at Tino mid bite. “Tino, what?” 

“Do you think Lukas heard? I mean, he blushes whenever Mathias touches him, or focuses on him, or stands too close to him. Maybe he loves him too? But if he heard then...” 

“That’s why he hurts himself? Because he thinks Mathias could never love him?”

“Yes.” Tino bit his nail.

“It’s possible. But, when did you ask Mathias?” 

“Oh, a few years ago.” 

Berwald opened and closed his mouth. “And if he heard?”

Before Tino could answer, Peter bounded in and tugged at Tino’s sleeve. “They’re cheating,”

“At what, baby?” Tino asked. 

“Apples to Apples.” 

“How do you-” Berwald started, wanting to know how it was possible to cheat at Apples to Apples, but was cut off by Tino.

“Tell them I said it’s time to clean up and get dressed. You, Papa, and I are going on a walk?” 

“What about Leon and Emil?” 

“They can join if they want.” 

Peter nodded and ran back out of the room. Berwald smiled at Tino and made grabby hands, wanting nothing more than for Tino to come over, so he could kiss him. 

“My beautiful husband,” Berwald sighed. “I love you. I love the family we made.” 

Tino blushed and kissed his cheek. “I love you too. I would never trade it for the world.” 

Berwald cupped his husband’s cheek and looked into his eyes. “It’s a shame I can’t ask you to marry me again.” 

“How do you know I’d say yes?” Tino asked with a grin. 

“Because I know, deep down somewhere in your heart, you can’t resist me.” 

Tino burst out laughing and wrapped his arms around his husband’s neck. “I would say yes every time, in every universe, except the ones where I ask you to marry me.” 

Berwald turned Tino’s head and captured him in one more kiss before standing and placing his empty plate in the dishwasher. “Time for a walk?” 

Tino nodded and went to grab Peter. Berwald’s eyes followed Tino out of the kitchen, catching Emil standing in the doorway. 

“How long were you there?” Berwald asked, rinsing out his coffee cup and putting it in the dishwasher. 

“Not long,” Emil said softly. “Long enough to know I want what you have.” 

“Meaning?” 

“A happy husband and a kid or three one day.” 

Berwald smiled and nodded his head towards the table. “What do you want to talk about?” 

“I just wanted to let you know I’m going to stay back from the walk. Mathias might need help, but Leon wants to go, so…”

“Is that all?” 

Emil started to nod before shaking his head. 

“What’s bothering you?” 

Before he could speak, a sob bubbled up. Berwald stood and wrapped his arms around the younger boy, stroking his back. 

“He’s my brother,” Emil choked out. 

“I know, he’s going to be okay. We’re going to get him help. Real help.” 

Emil nodded and tightened his grip on Berwald’s shirt. Berwald stroked Emil’s back, resting his chin on the shorter boy’s head. “You’re going to be okay,” Berwald whispered. Emil nodded again and took a step back, wiping the tears from his face. 

“Are you going to be okay alone?” 

Emil nodded. “I’ll probably go spend some time with Lukas while you’re gone. Maybe take a nap too.” 

Berwald nodded and gave Emil one last hug before going upstairs to change. 

* * *

Mathias had finished the second plate of waffles when he looked at his phone. There were several texts from his friends telling him to take his time with whatever he was bailing on them for, and they understood. He rolled his eyes at a particularly strange text from Gilbert saying he would be missed. He scrolled through Instagram and Twitter mindlessly, glancing down at Lukas every so often. Lukas had hardly moved, but Mathias felt as though he could disappear at any moment. 

Mathias stopped mid scroll and looked up when he heard a knock. “Yeah?” 

Emil walked through the door but didn’t move towards the bed. “Berwald, Tino, Peter, and Leon went on a walk.” 

Mathias nodded and watched Emil. “You can come here.” 

Emil shuffled in place, seemingly trying to make a decision. 

“It’s okay, he’s just sleeping.” He said gently. 

Emil nodded and slowly walked to the bed. Mathias moved some more pillows and blankets, making room for him to sit on the other side of Lukas, on Mathias’s massive bed. 

“I didn’t take you for someone who likes drowning in bed.” Emil said softly. “I thought that was more my style.” 

“I get lonely. It’s a big bed.” 

“Why do you have such a big bed then?” 

“So we can do things like this,” Mathias said softly. He had designed his whole room with Lukas and Emil in mind. “Berwald and Peter are really the only other people who come in here though.” 

“Not Tino?”

“No, I think he thinks Ber and I need “brother time”, so he lets us be whenever we’re in here.” 

Emil nodded and looked around. He noticed small things that he and Lukas had pointed out when they had gone room shopping years ago, but he didn’t comment on it. Mathias noticed Emil looking around and smiled. “I wanted somewhere where I could relax a little.” 

Emil nodded again. “It’s cozy.” 

“That’s what Lukas said.” 

“Sorry, I just thought your room would be… I don’t know, less dark and warm. Kind of more like Lukas’.” 

“No, it’s okay. It used to be, but it wasn’t somewhere I wanted to spend time, so I changed it. You and Lukas helped, remember?” 

“How could I forget?” Emil chuckled. “We spent ten hours in IKEA and didn’t buy a thing.” 

“The next day, I went back and bought just about everything you and Lukas picked out and built the room around those things,” Mathias said softly.

Emil looked over at him. “Why? I thought we annoyed you.”

“I mean, yeah, you kinda did, but the things you had been pointing out were nice. Cozy.”

“You’re in love with him,” Emil whispered. 

Mathias nodded and looked down at Lukas. “More than anything.” 

Emil smiled and looked at his brother. Before he could say anything, Mathias’ phone rang. Mathias picked it up and groaned. “I have to take this, it’s my boss.” 

Emil nodded. “I’ll watch him.” 

“If he wakes up-”

“I’ll let you know. Go.” 

Mathias nodded and answered the phone, leaving the room. 

Emil lay down next to Lukas and wrapped his arms around his brother. “Why didn’t you say anything?” He whispered. 

Lukas stirred and settled again, now on his back. Emil lay his head on his brother’s chest and took a deep breath. Tino was right, everything would be okay. Emil could hear Mathias talking to his boss in the hall. Judging by his voice, it didn’t sound like he was in trouble for anything. 

Emil was pulled from listening to Mathias when Lukas startled awake. Lukas looked around and then down at Emil. “Where am I?” 

“Mathias’ room,” Emil said gently. “You’re okay.” 

Lukas stared at him for a moment and everything hit him at once. 

“He said he wouldn’t leave. Where is he?” Lukas sounded panicked. 

“Lukas, hey, it’s okay,” Emil said, helping his brother sit up. “Mathias had to take a call and he didn’t want to wake you up. He’s in the hall.” 

Lukas nodded and relaxed, able to hear Mathias in the hall. 

“Lukas?” 

Lukas looked at his brother, who was staring at the bandage on his arm. 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Emil asked. 

“I-I couldn’t,” Lukas whispered. “I’m so sorry.” Lukas pulled Emil into his arms. “I’m so, so sorry.” 

Emil held his brother tight. “Why?” 

Lukas let out a shaky breath. “Because he doesn’t-” He was cut off by a sob. 

Emil looked up and shushed him. “Hey, he does. He cares about you.” 

Lukas shook his head. “He said- he said he di-didn’t to Tino,” Lukas choked out. 

“Then why? Lukas, you’ve never been someone to care what people think of you.” 

Lukas tried to answer but couldn’t. 

“Take your time,” he said gently. 

Lukas shook his head and continued to cry. Emil ran his hand through his hair. 

“He’s so worried about you,” Emil whispered. “When he came downstairs, he looked like he was about to cry. He loves you Lukas. He loves you so much.”

Lukas simply shook his head and looked at his brother. “No, he said he didn’t a long time ago. I doubt things have changed.” Lukas took a deep breath and wiped the tears from his eyes, 

“Why’s that?” 

“Because Mathias never changes.”

Emil just shook his head and pulled his brother close. “How long?” 

“How long what?” 

“How long have you been hurting yourself?” 

“I don’t know, since I overheard them talking.” 

“When was that?” 

“Three, four years ago.” He murmured. 

“Oh, Lukas.” 

“I’m sorry,” Lukas whispered. “I don’t know why I care. If someone else said they didn’t love me I, uh, I wouldn’t care, but it’s Mathias. He’s just…” Lukas trailed off, trying to put words to Mathias. 

“He’s what?”

“He’s special,” Lukas said, glancing at the door. Mathias was still on the phone. “I don’t know how to explain it. He’s just always been there.” 

Emil nodded and took his brother’s hand. He looked around the room before looking back at Lukas. “Why didn’t you say anything to me? I could have helped you.” 

“I didn’t want to bother you,” Lukas murmured. “You were busy with work and Leon, and you’re happy, I didn’t…”

“You didn't, what? Want to ruin my happiness?” Emil asked. “Luke, you’re my brother. I’m always here for you, you are for me. If I had known then you would never have had to hurt yourself. We could have talked, like when we were younger.” 

“About Mathias?”

Emil nodded and smiled. “You know you can come to me right? Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you have to struggle in silence.” 

Lukas nodded and looked down. “Yeah.” 

“Then talk to me.”

* * *

Berwald, Tino, Peter, and Leon made their way down the street. Peter and Leon were walking a few yards ahead. Peter was pointing out flowers and trees to Leon that he thought were cool, and Leon pointed to clouds that looked like animals and food, laughing every time Peter got excited over a particular cloud and ran to show it to Tino and Berwald, who walked silently, hand-in-hand, save from the interruptions from Peter pointing out clouds that looked like Viking ships and dragons. In those moments, Leon checked his phone, making sure he didn’t miss a message from Emil--so far he missed nothing. 

“Papa, look!” Peter shouted, pointing at a playground. 

Berwald looked to where Peter was pointing and smiled. “You want to go play?” 

Peter nodded and dragged Berwald to the swings. “Push me, please?” He asked, hopping onto an empty swing. 

Berwald nodded and started to push him, listening to Peter ramble about whatever came to mind. 

Leon sat on a bench and watched Berwald and Peter with a soft smile. 

“You okay?” Tino asked, sitting next to Leon. 

“Yeah, I think so. Better now that I’m out of the house.”

Tino nodded and smiled at his husband.

The pair sat in a comfortable silence before Leon looked back to Tino. “I think Emil wants kids one day.” 

“And you don’t?” Tino asked. 

“No, I do, I think. I don’t know,” Leon sighed, running a hand over his face. “Like, I know it’s not going to happen for a while, because we’re young and way too dumb to adopt a kid, but…”

“But?” 

“But, I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about kids before.” 

Tino nodded with a smile. “You sound like me.” 

Leon frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I think everyone thinks I wanted a kid, so Berwald made it happen, but it’s kind of the opposite. Berwald wanted Peter more than anything. He spent months persuading me. I love Peter dearly now, but kids were never really in my plan,” Tino said. “But neither was Berwald.”

“He wasn’t?” 

“No, I, uh, I always thought I would be better on my own, but Berwald kinda came charging headfirst into my life and swept me off my feet and led me to Sweden,” Tino chuckled. “And thank God he did, because he’s made my life so much better.”

Leon nodded and smiled. “Thanks.”

“For what?”

“Making things make sense.” 

Tino nodded and gave Leon a one armed hug. “No matter what, Emil loves you. You changed him.”

“I did?”

Tino nodded. “He used to be quiet and not really comfortable with himself. You changed that, he seems more sure of himself--more confident.” 

Leon blushed and stared down at his lap. “He’s changed me too.” 

Tino nodded and looked back at Berwald. “Love does that. True love changes us for the better.”

* * *

Mathias stood outside the door, having finished his phone call, listening to Emil and Lukas’s hushed voices travel through the closed door. He checked the time on his phone and headed downstairs to get Lukas something to eat, not wanting to barge in on a conversation between brothers. 

He combed through the cabinets in the kitchen, looking for something quick before moving to the fridge. He opened the door and smiled. Tino left a bag of extra waffles for them to eat. He pulled out the bag and put two into the toaster before sitting down in Lukas’s spot at the breakfast table. He ran a hand through his hair and took a shaky breath. He had known Lukas for almost his entire life and was in love with him for nearly the same amount of time. He didn’t understand how Lukas could hurt himself. To Mathias, Lukas was perfect. 

A sob wracked his body. Until now, he didn’t have a moment to sit alone and process everything. Mathias was heartbroken. He wanted nothing more than to take Lukas, wrap him up in a blanket, and protect him for the rest of forever. If he’d known Lukas was hurting himself, he would have tried to help him sooner. He continued to cry, clutching his sides and hyperventilating, as his mind wandered to the worst possible scenarios: not finding out Lukas self-harmed, Lukas leaving, finding Lukas in the middle of a suicide attempt, finding Lukas dead. The farther into each scenario his mind went, the more he struggled to breathe. He started to shake. His heart pounded in his ears. Mathais, unsure of what was happening, tried to stand, but couldn’t. He gripped his sides tighter and tried to regain control of his breathing to no avail. His vision grew spotty, as sobs wracked his body. 

The toaster popped the waffles up. Mathias’s head snapped up and he stared at the toaster. For the first time in what felt like hours, Mathias took a deep breath, wiping his tears away. He wiggled his fingers and toes, letting the tension fall away from his body. He stood up and stretched his arms over his head, yawning, before walking over to the cabinet to grab a plate and a glass. He tapped the waffles, which were still cold, and sighed. He pushed the handle down again and walked over to the kitchen sink and filled his glass. He stared blankly into the living room as he downed the glass and filled it again. He took a sip and set it down on the counter. Mathias turned and walked to the fridge; he opened the doors and stared blankly, trying to find the butter and maple syrup. 

The toaster popped back up, once again pulling Mathias out of his head. He looked at the fridge door and pulled out the maple syrup and butter, and carried them to the toaster. Carefully, he pulled out the steaming hot waffles and put them on the plate, before covering each in butter and syrup. He grabbed silverware and carried the plate upstairs, forgetting his glass of water. He opened the door to his room and looked over to the bed, where Emil and Lukas were lying, Emil still on Lukas’s chest, listening to Lukas talk about something. Mathias quietly walked over to the bed and set the plate on the bedside table. Lukas stopped talking and looked over at him.

“I thought you might be hungry,” he said softly. “I sorta ate your waffles while you were sleeping. Not that I think you’d want cold, slightly soggy waffles anyway.” 

Lukas smiled and nudged Emil, so he could sit up. “Thank you, Mathias.”

He nodded and started walking out of the room, but Lukas grabbed his hand. “Stay.” 

Mathias nodded and stood in his place. Lukas looked him up and down and frowned. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m okay now. Don’t worry about me, you need to eat.” 

Emil frowned and looked Mathias up and down. “You look like crap.” 

“I’m fine. I just-” Mathias stopped and looked at Lukas. “Kinda caught up with everything.” 

“How about I eat, then we talk. You and me.” Lukas said, taking a bite of waffle. “Does that sound good?” 

Mathias nodded and sat at the edge of the bed. 

“Is everything okay with your boss?” Emil asked. 

“Yeah, he just wanted to catch up.” 

Lukas frowned and tilted his head, silently asking why. 

“I haven’t been into the office for a while, but I do a lot of my work online, so I can spend more time with you guys. We have a big call with Alfred in a few weeks and he wants to make sure I was preparing for that,” he explained. “He also wanted to know how you all were doing. I talk about you guys a lot.”

“What did you tell him?” Lukas asked softly. 

“I told him that I needed to take some time off of work because you needed me. He didn’t ask any questions, just said to make sure I was ready for Alfred and his boss.” 

Lukas nodded and finished his waffles. It was clear he didn’t want what was happening with him to spread around without him saying something first. 

Emil sat up and took the plate from Lukas. “You two talk, I’m going to clean up a little and call Leon.” 

Lukas and Mathias smiled at Emil as he walked out of the door, closing it softly behind him. The pair sat in silence for a moment, staring at each other. Slowly, Lukas shifted over to the center of the bed. Mathias crawled to sit next to him. He turned slightly to face Mathias and took a deep breath. 

“I just want you to listen, okay?” Lukas asked softly. 

Mathias nodded. “Do you want me this close, or do you want me to move away?” 

“Stay.” 

Mathias nodded again and settled into his seat. Lukas looked around the room, trying to think of how to start. He never thought he’d be caught in the act, or that he’d have to tell someone about what he was doing. 

“I don’t really know where to start.” 

“Maybe start with when everything started?” 

“The first time, or this time?”

Mathias looked at Lukas dumbfounded. “What do you mean? You’ve hurt yourself before?” 

Lukas nodded and looked away from the Dane. “When we were younger, living with Søren and that continued until Berwald and Tino left. It was easier then, no one questioned random cuts and burns because we always had some battle wounds. Being scared was normal.” 

“What made you stop, Lukas?” 

“I had you,” he said softly. “And Emil. I think I was a little preoccupied with raising my brother and following you to feel anything less than…” 

“Less than?” 

“Less than loved, I guess.” 

Mathias nodded and took his hand, stroking his knuckles with his thumb. Lukas looked down at his and Mathias’ intertwined fingers sadly. “When Berwald came back and took me away, I wanted to die. There was never any love between the two of us that spanned beyond platonic. He wanted Tino, he always has. I wasn’t needed, I was only there so Berwald could get revenge on you. But he kept such a close eye on me, so I couldn’t do anything. It’s probably for the better in the long run.

“After he gave me up, I was too preoccupied with work to think about anything else. Growing pains and everything, you know? I lived away from everyone, and I thought I was better for it. I visited on my own terms and didn’t have to think about the pain because there was always more work for me to do, and I didn’t have to worry about anything out of my control. It wasn’t until we all moved back in together that I started hurting myself. I thought I would be okay, and I was. I was happy to have a family again, and to not have to say goodbye anymore. You were happy too, even when you and Berwald fought, you seemed happy to have us all together again,” Lukas paused and looked up at Mathias. Mathias looked back with a gentle smile and nodded for him to continue. 

Lukas took a deep breath and looked around the room, his eyes settling on a photo of Peter and Mathias at the beach. “Then Peter came, and Berwald and Tino really became a family, and I became quiet, distant, uncle Lukas. They got what I always wanted, and living with them was like torture at first. I know it’s dumb because I have a family, but they’re a family. They need each other and love each other unconditionally. I started to feel unneeded, and I started to slip. It started as a cut or burn here and there for years, but then I got really bad. I overheard you and Tino talking, and I felt like my whole world was collapsing in on itself, so hurting myself became a routine. Of course you started to notice, so I lied and said they were accidents: baking, cooking, hiking, and whatever else I could come up with that made sense. No one seemed to question it, or if you did you never said anything. I didn’t want anyone to worry about me. You’ve been so happy, I didn’t want to ruin that.”

“So you kept your pain a secret? Lukas, you know you can talk to me.” 

“No I couldn’t. You’d’ve worried and you shouldn’t have to worry about me.” 

“And if I want to?” Mathias asked softly. 

“You don’t.” 

“I’ve always worried about you, Lukas.” 

“No, you don’t,” he sighed. “Maybe you think you do, but it’s not real.”

Mathias frowned and moved away from Lukas. “How could you think I don’t care about you?” 

“Because you said you didn’t. You told Tino you didn’t!” Lukas shouted, tears streaming down his face. 

Mathias looked up at him dumbfounded. He opened his mouth to speak, but Lukas cut him off. “You said you don’t care about me, and you shouldn’t. I’m not worth it, Mathias. I don’t deserve it. I shouldn’t even be in here,” Lukas stood up and turned to leave. “I deserve to be alone.” 

Before Lukas could leave the room, Mathias grabbed his waist and pulled him into a tight hug. “No, you don’t get to just leave. Not when you’re in pain, and especially not when I know you’re in pain.” 

“Let me go.” Lukas whispered. 

“No. Never again.” 

Lukas looked up at him, his eyes red from tears. 

“Please come back,” Mathias whispered, moving slowly back to the bed. Lukas allowed himself to be pulled towards the bed. “Let me help you,” he whispered, sitting back against the headboard, pulling Lukas into his chest. “You’re allowed to cry.” 

Lukas shook his head, diggling his nails into his unharmed wrist. 

“Hey,” Mathias grabbed Lukas’s hands. “You don’t need to hurt yourself anymore. You’re allowed to feel everything. You don’t need to feel guilty. You don’t need to punish yourself. You’re a good person, you’re not ruining anything.” 

Lukas shuddered and began to sob. Mathias whispered soft comforts into his hair until his sobs became soft shudders. 

“Can I ask you a question?” He asked softly. 

Lukas nodded, sitting up to face him. 

“What conversation did you hear between me and Tino?”

“I, uh, it was a few years ago, four, maybe five. You told him you could never love someone like me, and you don’t care about me. At least that’s what I heard before I left.” 

Mathias frowned before coming to the realisation that he had in fact said those exact things to Tino.

* * *

_Mathias walked into the living room, a beer in hand, and sat in the chair across from Tino, who was watching him over his book. He carefully put the book down on the side table and frowned._

_“Can I help you?” Mathias asked, taking a sip from his beer._

_“Uh… no,” Tino picked his book back up, but before he could begin to read, he set it back down. “Actually, yes. Can we talk a moment? Before Lukas comes back?”_

_“Sure, yeah, what about?”_

_“Lukas.”_

_“Okay,” he took another pull from his beer. “What about Lukas?”_

_“Do you love him?” Tino asked after a long pause._

_“I’m sorry, what?” He sputtered._

_“Do you love Lukas?”_

_“No, don’t be stupid Tino.”_

_“Oh,” Tino said dejectedly. “It just seems like--”_

_“Like I love him? Tino how could I love anyone like him? How did you even get that idea?”_

_“You always seem to want to be close to him, even when he pushes you away and calls you names. Friends want to be close to friends, yes, but you take it to a whole new level.”_

_“We have a history, Tino. What can I say? Is it so bad I want to be near him? We grew up together,” Mathias snapped, growing annoyed. “We’re friends.”_

_“Do you care about him?” Tino asked, raising his eyebrows. “Or is it just a game?”_

_“No, I don’t fucking love him. Jesus, shit, Tino, you said so yourself, he doesn’t even want me around!”_

_“Then why do you insist on being around him? Do you care about him?”_

_“Tino--”_

_“No, you didn’t answer my question. Do you care about him?”_

_“Yes, obviously. If anything happened to him--” Mathias trailed off._

_“Yes?”_

_“Just drop it.” He finished his beer and left the room, leaving Tino to stare at the ceiling and groan._

* * *

“And how much did you hear?” Mathias asked softly. 

“I heard you say you didn’t love me and that you could never love anyone like me,” Lukas said almost inaudibly. “And that you didn’t care about me because I never wanted you around. I left after that. I couldn’t- I didn’t want to listen to anymore.”

Mathias looked down at Lukas with sad eyes. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how I can make you believe that I never ever meant to hurt you.”

Lukas stared at him blankly, moving away from him. “Then why the fuck would you say it? You had to have known it would have come back to me.” 

“I didn’t-”

“You didn’t what, Mathias? Didn’t think? What if I hadn’t overheard it? What makes you think Tino wouldn’t have said something to me? He’s my best friend!” Lukas shouted, his hands trembling. 

“Did he say something?” 

“No.”

“Does he know you overheard us?”

“I don’t know,” Lukas whispered, looking away from Mathias. “Why didn’t he say anything?” Tears rolled down his cheeks. 

“I think he said nothing because he didn’t want to hurt you,” Mathias said, placing a hand on his shoulder. 

Lukas pulled away, curling into a ball. “Why say it at all? Did you mean it?” 

Mathias opened and closed his mouth a few times. Had he meant it, or was he hiding from the truth like he always did? 

“You did, didn’t you.” 

“No, I,” he paused, trying to navigate their conversation to smoother water. “I was hiding. I didn’t want to admit to myself that I was into you. I wanted to pretend that we were just friends and that was it. I took it too far. I was angry at Tino for noticing and at you for pushing me away, so I said I didn’t love you, but I never said I didn’t care about you, you have to believe me.” 

Lukas shook his head. He couldn’t let himself take that chance. 

“Please, Lukas.” 

A small sob passed through Lukas’ lips. He curled tighter into himself, digging his nails deep into his legs. Mathias looked down at him, torn between keeping the distance between him and pulling him into his arms and make his pain go away. Lukas’ shoulders shook violently with each sob, breaking Mathias’ heart. He took a deep breath and pulled him into his chest. Lukas struggled against him, trying to get as far away from him as possible, but he held tight. Eventually, he stopped fighting and sat in Mathias’ arms, his only movements coming from the shake of each sob.

“I’m so sorry, I was a dick,” Mathias whispered, tucking Lukas’s head under his chin. “I wish I could take it all back.” 

“You can’t,” Lukas bit out when he ran out of tears. “You can never take that back.” 

“I know, but I’m going to fix it.” 

“You can’t.” 

“Lukas, I’m going to make it up to you.”

* * *

Emil closed the door to his room behind him. After Mathias’ room, Emil’s seemed empty. Unlike Mathias, whose room was covered in obvious personal touches, his was not. He sat on the end of his bed and looked at Leon’s things scattered around the room, wishing they could stay there permanently, rather than leaving at the end of the week. He lay back, pulling out his phone, and called Leon. 

“Hello?” He answered. 

“Hi,” he whispered. 

“Are you okay?” 

“It’s really bad. Shit, Leon, you have no idea. He thinks he’s all alone in the world. He hurt himself because he thinks Mathias hates him and that’s somehow easier than trying to move forward or try to believe that Mathias loves him--which he does. He’s been doing this for years, Leon, years,” he sniffed and wiped his eyes. “And the worst part is he believes he deserves the pain for some reason.” 

Leon was silent on the other end of the line, patiently listening to Emil. He didn’t pretend to know Lukas’ relationships with his family outside of what he had experienced and what Emil had told him, but even he had a hard time believing Mathias didn’t love Lukas at least in some capacity. 

“Leon, he needs help and I don’t think it’s the kind of help we can give him.” 

He took a deep breath. “Emil, your brother, he’s coming from a bad place. The best help you can give him is unconditional love, which you already give him. All the therapy that goes with this is gonna have to come from him, and probably Berwald. Right now, just be there for him.” 

Emil nodded, only faintly aware that Leon couldn’t see him. “Yeah. Be there for him.” 

“Are you okay?” 

“No, I’m really not.” 

“Do you need me to come home? Be honest with me.” 

“Finish your walk, I think I’m gonna take a nap or watch a movie. I don’t know, but I need a break.” 

“Okay. When I get back we can watch something, does that sound good?”

“Yeah,” he mumbled. “Keep your phone on you?”

“I always do. It’s fully charged so you can get me whenever you need.” 

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“I love you, Leon.” Emil whispered, as though it were still a secret. 

“I love you too, Emil. Get some rest, I’ll see you when I get home.” Leon whispered. 

“See you.” He hung up the phone and crawled under the covers, falling asleep quickly. 

* * *

Leon pocketed his phone and took a deep breath, looking over at Berwald and Peter at the swings. They hadn’t left the park yet. 

“What’s going on?” Tino asked. 

“It’s apparently a lot worse than we anticipated,” Leon said, looking to Tino. “Emil says he probably needs more help than we can give him. He sounded pretty upset, but he said he was going to take a nap.” 

Tino nodded and looked at his lap. “Lukas is my best friend. I wish he would have talked to me. Maybe I could’ve helped him.” 

“We just have to be there for him. I think I need to stay longer, if that’s okay. So I can be there for Emil and the rest of you. I can help out wherever too.” 

“It’s more than okay, Leon. You’re a pleasure to have around.” 

Leon smiled and nodded. It wasn’t often he felt as comfortable and at home as he did with Emil and his family. Yes, he missed home, but it was times like these when he found it nearly impossible to think of leaving Emil or taking him away to Hong Kong. 

The pair looked on, watching Berwald chase Peter around the park, swinging sticks at each other like swords. They were both laughing, so absorbed in their own little world, they had no clue what was happening around them. Berwald pretended to trip and fall, and Peter jumped on top of him, driving his stick into the ground next to his father. Berwald let out a fake cry of pain before pretending to die. Peter laughed and leaned down to hug him back to life. He snaked his hands around his middle and gave him a tight squeeze in return. Peter rolled off of Berwald and onto the ground next to him, pointing to the sky. Berwald’s looked at the sky, rapt by Peter, occasionally pointing to the sky himself. Tino chuckled softly and took a few sneaky photos to send to Berwald later. It was nice to see Berwald free from worry and stress. He remembered the early days of their marriage when Berwald was stressed and constantly fighting for everything they had. 

“I love him,” Tino murmured. “I love Peter too.” 

Leon looked at him with a smile. “They love you. They appreciate everything you do for them. Even when Peter’s in a mood.” 

“You think?” 

“I know.”

Tino nodded and looked up at the sky. Clouds had begun to fill in the holes of blue, and it was starting to snow. 

“We should get going.” 

Leon nodded and stood, Tino following in suit. 

“Ber, honey, we need to get moving!” Tino shouted to the pair. 

Berwald turned his head. “What?” 

“It’s snowing and we have to walk back to the house!” Tino shouted. 

Berwald nodded and sat up, poking Peter’s stomach. Berwald stood, pulling Peter to his feet before crouching down, allowing Peter to climb onto his back. He grunted as he stood and walked over to Leon and Tino. 

“Turn around or keep going?” He asked. “It’s a circle, so either way is fine.” 

“Keep going?” Leon asked, looking to Tino. 

“Sure.” 

The group turned to the path and continued their walk. Peter was considerably more quiet, tired from running about, contently listening to Berwald and Tino tell Leon stories about their days as Vikings.

* * *

Emil woke up on the beach somewhere surrounded by his family. Leon was holding his hand, the pad of his thumb stroking the back of his hand. Berwald was holding Peter against his chest, tears streaming down both their cheeks. Tino’s arms were wrapped around Mathias, who had buried his face in the smaller man’s neck. He was sobbing. He looked around for Lukas, but he was missing. He looked to Leon who was looking out over the ocean at something floating away. He followed his line of sight when he spotted it. His heart stopped. A small ship lined with old shields was floating in the distance. A pyre stood in the centre with a white, linen wrapped body lying on top. He didn’t know how, but he knew: it was Lukas. 

He tried to shout his name, but nothing came out. He tried running towards the shore, but his feet were cemented to the ground. Emil tried to get their attention, but his family ignored him, staring at the ship. He turned back to the ship just as it exploded into flames, burning everything on board. 

He screamed and dropped to his knees. Lukas had died--he was gone and there was nothing Emil could have done to save him. 

He started awake and looked around his room. He was okay. It was just a nightmare. Emil was just about to stand when Lukas ran into his room, Mathias hot on his tail, a small knife in his hand. 

“Are you okay? I heard screams.” Lukas said, pulling his brother into his arms. 

Emil melted into his chest, taking a moment to listen to Lukas’ heartbeat. Lukas was alive. He hadn’t sunk to the bottom of the fjords on a funeral pyre. He nodded and looked over his shoulder to where Mathias was standing awkwardly in the door. His eyes trailed down to the knife and frowned. 

“I thought someone was trying to kill you,” Mathias said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I panicked.” 

“You have a full size battle axe next to your bed, and your first thought is a knife the size of a letter opener? What’s that gonna do?” Emil asked, an incredulous look gracing his features. 

“I told you, I panicked,” He said, moving to sit, sandwiching Emil between him and Lukas. “Did you have a nightmare?”

Emil nodded, shuddering. “You were wrapped up and I couldn't move, and no one could hear me, and I couldn’t move, and I tried to call out your name, but I couldn't, and then the boat was on fire and you were dead, and I couldn’t help you.” Emil began hyperventilating.

Lukas held him closer, a few tears rolling down his cheeks. He regretted getting caught. He regretted hurting himself in the first place. He should never have let himself be so selfish. He should have just sucked it up and pretended he was okay. Guilt covered him like a wet blanket as Emil began to shake from tears. 

“I thought I lost you.” He choked out. 

“I’m here. I’m so sorry. I love you so much.”

Mathias moved behind them, wrapping his arms around both of them. He pulled them close and gently rocked them side to side. Part of him felt like an intruder, while part of him knew he was right where he needed to be. 

Emil wasn’t sure how long they sat on his bed, wrapped in each other’s arms. He had long since calmed down, however the dream was making him second guess cancelling his therapist to spend more time with Leon. Maybe he could schedule an emergency appointment for himself. 

“What’re you thinkin’ about?” Mathias mumbled. 

“Calling my therapist and rescheduling that appointment I cancelled earlier this week.” He sighed. 

Lukas froze and pulled back, searching his brother’s face for something. “You have a therapist?”

“Yeah, Alva. She helps me deal with stress mostly, but it’s nice to have someone who isn’t family or Leon to talk to. She doesn’t try to fix things for me, more helps me fix things for myself. Occasionally kicks me in the ass, but in a good way, if that makes sense.” 

Lukas nodded and looked up at Mathias. 

“Hey, don’t look at me, I didn’t know this either.”

“Leon. He suggested it.” Emil said with a soft smile. He was about to say more when Lukas’ stomach growled. 

“You hungry, Luka?” Mathais asked softly. “I can make something for lunch if you’d like.” 

For a moment Lukas wanted to tell Mathais he was fine, but he looked so sad and he didn’t want to hurt him anymore than he already had--no matter how much Mathias had hurt him. “If you’d like.” He whispered. 

Mathias nodded and untangled himself from them. “Emil?”

“I can always eat,” He said with a smile. “You two go down, I’ll be there in a moment. I just want to wash my face.” 

Lukas nodded and stood, following Mathias downstairs, leaving Emil to freshen up. 

Emil pulled out his phone and smiled at the lock screen, which was a photo of Emil and Leon in Hong Kong a few months ago. Despite the distance between their respective homes and families, they seemed to make the distance work better than they could have imagined. He unlocked his phone and sent a short update to Leon, letting them know Mathias was making lunch and it may be a good idea to bring something back with them just in case Mathias either burned it or only just made enough for three. He waited for Leon to send a thumbs up and threw his phone on the bed and headed to the bathroom to freshen up. 

* * *

In the kitchen, Mathias quickly busied himself looking through the fridge and pantries for open sandwich supplies. Lukas stood at the end of the table, unsure whether to help Mathais or sit and let him do the work. 

“Take a seat, I’m not doing anything too fancy.” Mathias said, noticing where Lukas was standing. 

He nodded and looked at his seat. It was the last place he wanted to sit--pushed into the corner. The spot that was once cozy to him now seemed isolated. He looked at Emil’s seat but decided against sitting in it. Emil needed something normal, he thought. He looked over at Mathias and then to his usual spot at the table and hesitated. Mathias never cared who sat in his spot so long as he could find a spot close to Lukas whether it was across from him or perched on the windowsill--something neither Tino nor Berwald were particularly fond of. An act that, at the time, had annoyed him to no end, but looking back on, was sweet. 

He gingerly sat in Mathais’ spot as if the world would explode into chaos, but it didn’t. Slowly, he settled into the chair, curling his legs up into his chest. He couldn’t explain it, but he felt safe, just like he had in Mathias’ room. He tried to push away thoughts of what it would be like if he and Mathais were happy together. He wasn’t the person Mathais was in love with--with his luck it was one of the German boys like Christoph, or Alfred. Everything he said in his bedroom that made Lukas feel special was just Mathias feeling guilty and trying to make himself feel better. No, Mathais definitely didn’t love him. But then, maybe he does, a small voice in the back on his head called out. Lukas shook his head and looked over at Mathias, who was spreading butter on rye. A small smile tugged at his lips and he immediately looked away. 

“What do you want? Shrimp? Fish? I think we’re out of ham and turkey, so we’re kinda limited to seafood.” Mathais asked, his back still turned to him. 

“Oh, salmon please.” He said, trying to look at what Mathias was doing, but he couldn’t see past his arms. 

“What do you think Emil wants?” He asked. 

“Probably the brine shrimp.” 

Emil walked in and looked at Mathias. “Yeah, shrimp.” 

Mathias nodded, cutting up some vegetables. 

Emil took his usual seat across from Lukas. If he noticed where Lukas was sitting he didn’t comment on it. They sat in silence waiting for Mathias to bring them lunch, listening to the Dane hum, occasionally bursting out into song. Lukas smiled into his legs, not wanting to let on that he enjoyed the freedom which Mathais acted with. 

“Water, hot chocolate, tea, coffee, beer?” Mathias asked. 

Lukas shrugged, not wanting to say hot chocolate. “Water’s fine.” 

“Water.” Emil said, not looking up from his phone. Leon had sent him photos of himself and Peter on their walk. 

“Okay, so three waters and a hot chocolate with extra marshmallows for Luka.” Mathias said, seemingly reading Lukas’ mind. 

Lukas flushed and pulled his legs closer. How he knew exactly what he wanted, Lukas didn’t know, making him wonder if Mathias knew what he wanted for lunch and simply asked out of courtesy. He dug his fingers into his legs thinking about how he treated Mathias. Maybe he did care about him. No, Lukas couldn’t let himself think like that. He needed to believe Mathias didn’t care about him or what he did--it made him feel better about pushing him away. But if he did care, a little voice in the back of his head nagged, then he hurt him, and he could never come back from that. But Mathias hurt him first. He closed his eyes and shuddered. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he pulled at his hair, trying to fight tears. “I’m terrible and you shouldn’t care. I hurt you every day because I couldn’t- I’m sorry.” 

Mathias whipped his head around and frowned. “Luka? Are you? No, you’re not.” He walked over and crouched in front of him. He placed his hands over Lukas’, trying to wedge his thumbs in his fists. “Stop that.” 

Lukas’s head snapped up, unsure where Mathias had come from. 

“You don’t need to punish yourself. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

Lukas took a deep breath, loosening his grip slightly. 

“There you go.” Mathias whispered, looking over to Emil, silently asking him to give them a moment. 

Emil nodded and left the room, taking his sandwich with him. 

“I’m sorry,” Lukas whispered. “I ruin everything.” 

“No, you don’t. I just wanted to give you a moment. I can leave if you want, tell Emil to come back-” 

“No! Stay,” he said, tightening his grip on his hands. “I mean, if you want.” 

“I’ll stay if you want me to.” 

Lukas nodded, moving their hands to his knees. They sat in silence for a while, Mathias stroking the back of his hand with his thumb, careful not to shift the bandages on his arm. 

“I’m sorry.” Lukas whispered. 

“What for?” 

“I hurt you,” he said. “I insulted you and I hit you-” 

“Yeah, in the arm, and not very hard, it’s not a big deal. Berwald punches me in the face when we fight.” 

“No, it is a big deal,” he said. “I push you away. You can’t tell me that doesn’t hurt you.” 

Mathias smiled at him. “You’re sitting in my seat. You were there this morning when I came down.” 

“Don’t change-” 

“I’m not. That doesn’t hurt me,” he said softly. “Okay, maybe being called useless hurts, but everything else? You’re not the only person who calls me a menace and a pain in the ass. What does hurt me, is that you think I don’t care about you, because I do. More than anyone. Lukas, I know what I said, and I know I said I didn’t mean it, and I know I will do everything I can to make it up to you, but I will never stop caring about you no matter how hard you try to push me away, and you know what? I don’t think you want to push me away, so stop. Let yourself be happy, Luka. Let me take care of you.” 

“You hardly know me anymore.” Lukas said, pulling away.

“No? You drink coffee in the morning, and you make everyone think you take it black, but you sneak sugar in. You drink tea in the afternoon otherwise you get jittery and anxious. Your favourite drink is hot chocolate with marshmallows, but you only drink it when you’re sad or depressed or anxious. Your favourite colour is green like the fjords, but you think you look best in blue. Your favourite book is Hamlet, but you’re waiting to reread it because you don’t want it to be ruined for you. Your favourite flower is a gardenia. You’re quiet because you’re shy, but you’re always paying attention. You like to read to Peter when you think no one is watching. You like hiking, but you’d rather sail, but you don’t because something about our childhood hurt you and you don’t want to relive it. You love love songs, but if anyone catches you you’ll deny it. You like being alone, but you don’t want to be lonely, but you are, and you don’t know what to say because you don’t want to be a bother,” Mathias said, taking Lukas’ hands in his. “You like sitting in my seat when I’m not there, but you move when I walk into the room even though you know I won’t make you move. Luka, I may not know what goes on in your head, but I know you.”

Lukas stared at him, absolutely dumbfounded. He had never told Mathias anything except the thing about the tea and that was years ago. There was no way he was paying that much attention to him. “Why?

“Why what?”

“Why do you know so much about me?”

“I told you, I care about you, and I like seeing you smile.” 

“I’m so sorry.” Tears streamed down Lukas’ face.

“Why?” Mathias asked. “I told you, I forgive you.” 

Lukas shook his head, burying his face in his arms. “You shouldn’t. You should leave me. I can’t--don’t make you happy. All I do is hurt you.” 

“I told you, you don’t.” Mathias said.

He shook his head, pushing his head into his kneecaps. He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs and run away. Mathias deserved better than him, not that he was in love with him anyway. He was probably in love with Christoph or one of his other friends. They could never have what Berwald and Tino have. 

“Lukas,” Mathias whispered. 

A jolt of electricity ran down his spine as he looked up. 

“The only time you really hurt me was when you called me the most useless and least helpful person you’d ever met, because I always want to help you, and that was five years ago. You never hurt me when you hit me or when you called me a menace and a dumbass. I always found it kind of endearing. I know you think you hurt me, but you don’t,” he said. “So please, stop trying to hurt yourself on my behalf, because I can’t bear that.” 

Lukas wiped his eyes. 

“What do you need?”

Silently, Lukas wrapped his arms the best he could around the Dane’s shoulders and pulled him forward. Mathias nodded and wrapped his arms around Lukas, squeezing tightly. 

“Eat something?” Mathias asked. 

Lukas nodded. 

“Can you let go for a moment? I’ll be right back.” 

Lukas let go and watched Mathias stand and return with food. He sat in Lukas’ place, wrapping an arm around the back of the chair. They ate in silence, Lukas drained and too tired to talk, and Mathias thinking about everything Lukas had told him. Mathias finished before Lukas and turned to look at him. Lukas looked pale, almost gray. His eyes were puffy from crying and there were dark circles under his eyes that he had never noticed before. His hair and eyes seemed dull and empty. Yesterday, Lukas had been laughing, reading to Peter, playing cards with Tino and Berwald while giving Emil a hard time for a dark, fresh hickey on his neck. His eyes had been bright, and he looked full of life. He didn’t understand how so much could change in less than 24 hours. 

Lukas finished his plate and looked at Mathias. “What?”

“You wanna watch a movie? Something happy and easy?”

“Uhm, sure,” he said. “What were you thinking?” He couldn’t even think straight, there was no way he should be put in charge of movie selection. 

“I don’t know, we could scroll through Netflix and find something stupid.” 

Lukas nodded, he was about to say something when he heard the front door open and muffled voices enter the house. Peter flew into the kitchen and launched himself into Lukas’ arms. Lukas took a moment before wrapping his arms around Peter. 

“What’s this?”

“Just a hug,” he said, pulling back. “I thought you might want one.”

Lukas gave him a small smile, trying to look happier than he was for his sake. “Thank you.”

“I also brought you this,” He handed Lukas a pinecone and a rock. “For that funny shelf in your room that you don’t let anyone touch.”

Lukas held each item up to the light, inspecting them, before turning back to Peter. “They’ll be perfect. Thank you.”

Peter beamed and ran over to Mathias, who was washing their dishes. “Play with me?”

“I’m sorry little man, I promised Lukas I’d spend the day with him.” He said, crouching down to his level. 

“Why? Is he not feeling well?” 

“No, he’s not,” he looked over at Lukas, who was staring blankly at his gift. “He needs someone to take care of him right now.”

“Oh,” Peter said, looking over at his uncle. “You better not get me sick.” He said before trotting out of the room, probably to go ask Emil and Leon to play. 

Mathias stood and dried his hands before returning to Lukas’ side. “Movie down here or in my room?” 

Lukas thought for a moment. Going back upstairs seemed like a daunting task. “Down.”

“Are you sure? I could carry you if you want to go up.” 

“No,” Lukas fiddled with the bottom of his shirt. “We can be downstairs.” He didn’t trust what he’d say if they were alone. At least if they were downstairs and people were around, he couldn’t say anything that would scare Mathias more. 

“Downstairs it is.” He stuck out his hand for Lukas, who flushed, but took it, pocketing the rock. 

Silently, he led them into the living room. Tino was sitting in the corner, wrapped in a fuzzy blanket, watching the snowfall outside. He didn’t seem to notice Mathais and Lukas sit down on the couch. Mathias pulled Lukas closer and wrapped a large, knit blanket over them. He switched the tv to Netflix and searched for something, settling on an Indiana Jones film. 

“This good?” He whispered, switching the language from Swedish to Norwegian. 

Lukas nodded and smiled, holding back a comment about the lack of Danish subtitles. He settled against his chest, his eyes growing heavy. The last thing he remembered, Indiana and Marion were walking through the streets of Cairo. 

Mathias looked down at him halfway through the movie with a small smile. In his sleep, Lukas had curled up against his chest, clutching his shirt in his hands. He toyed with the ends of his hair, careful not to wake him up. 

* * *

Berwald walked into the living room as Mathias changed the language from Swedish to Norwegian before turning back to the Last Crusade. He glanced down at the lump next to him then over at his husband, who shook his head and put a finger to his lips. He nodded and took a seat on the other couch. 

“You know Lukas is asleep. I don’t think it matters what language the tv is in.” He said, kicking his feet up on the ottoman. 

“Just in case he wakes up.” Mathias said, looking down at Lukas. 

Berwald nodded and turned back to the film. “You know, I think this is the only one I haven’t seen more than once.” 

Mathias made a noncommittal noise and looked back at the tv. He wasn’t in the mood for a conversation. 

From the corner, Tino sighed and stood. “Ber, would you hate me if I ordered take out even though I promised I’d cook?” 

“I’d feel robbed of my husband’s cooking skills, but if you’re not in the mood, I don’t mind.” He’d offer to cook, but he only knew how to make three things that didn’t constantly burn, and Lukas had claimed that if he ‘looked at another goddamn meatball’ he'd kill himself, and after that morning, that wasn’t something he wanted to risk, joke or not. 

“Pizza?” Tino pulled his phone out of his back pocket. “That way no one argues?”

Berwald nodded in agreement, glancing over at Mathias, who was glaring at the tv as if one of the Nazis would jump out and attack. 

Tino left the room and called in the pizza before returning with a glass of water. “Emil and Leon can take Peter to pick it up. I want some peace and quiet before some people go crazy,” he looked between Berwald and Mathias. “And rile up Peter.”

Lukas shifted so that his head was on Mathais’ stomach, curling up tighter as if he were trying to hide from the world. Mathias looked down, a small blush crossing his cheeks, shifting his body so that he was tucked into the corner, one leg up against the back of the cushion so Lukas wouldn’t wake up with a stiff neck or back. He wrapped his arms around his shoulders and, lazily stroking his back with his thumb. If Berwald didn’t know any better, he’d assume they were together. 

“You have to tell him.” Berwald said after Emil and Leon ushered Peter out the door.

“Not today. I won’t tell him today. I don’t want to take advantage of him like that,” he looked over at his brother. “He’s not in the right headspace.”

“Then when? If this goes on…” 

“I’ll wait until the time is right. That could be tomorrow or in a few weeks, but I’ll wait for him to be in a better place before I say anything,” he took a deep breath. “But until then, I’m gonna make sure he knows I’ll always be there for him. That I care about him, because I said some stuff that I regret, and he’s believed for far too long.” 

Tino smiled and snuggled closer to Berwald, who nodded and looked at Lukas. 

“He‘s gonna need more help than we can give him, Mathias, but he has to choose it. We can’t force him to do anything. He’s a storm. He can’t be controlled.” 

“No, but we can be there for him. He needs us too.” Tino said softly.

Mathias nodded. “He thinks he’s so alone in the world. I don’t think he realises how many people love him.” 

“It’s awful,” Tino sighed. “To think you’re so alone, to get to the point where you think the only way to get help is to hurt himself. It makes you wonder if we really were there for him, or if we just thought we were because we didn’t see, or want to see, that there was something wrong. I mean, why wouldn’t he talk to someone? Doesn’t he know?”

“Lukas is a proud man. He’s never been one to ask for help, Tino.” Berwald said, stroking his hair. He didn’t want to begin to ask himself if he hadn’t been there enough for him. 

“But what if he did, and we missed it because it was a silent cry for help than him being forthright? What if all the signs were there and we were blind?”

Mathias sat, thinking about what Tino had said. He thought back to all the evenings when Lukas went to bed early or came down pale and tired the next morning as if he hadn’t slept. He thought about all the cups of hot chocolate he made whenever Christoph came to stay for a few days and how he always seemed to disappear, despite Christoph asking him to join them for drinks. He thought about everything Lukas could have possibly done to call out for help. To hurt himself. He pulled him closer into his chest and looked at Tino. 

“We missed so many signs,” he swallowed, forcing back tears. He couldn’t cry and wake Lukas up--he’d think it was his fault somehow. “I abandoned him.” 

“You didn’t.” Berwald said, glancing out the window, looking for a familiar car. 

“How can you be so-”

“Because you didn’t abandon him. We missed things, I know, but hindsight is twenty-twenty. How could we have possibly known?”

“I know him,” he whispered. “I should have seen it.”

“You couldn’t possibly have seen it. He wanted to hide everything, so we didn’t worry, and when Lukas sets his mind to something, he rarely fails.” Tino sighed. 

“I know him. I should have paid more attention. I should’ve been smarter,” Mathias ran a hand through his hair. “I mean shit, today was a fluke. He’d still be hurting himself if I didn’t walk into his room. I didn’t have to either, I could’ve knocked and said it through the door. What if we never found out?” He started to panic again. “What if he got to a place where he tried to kill himself? What if he succeeded?” 

Tino gave him a heart broken look. Had Mathias been thinking about all the possible scenarios all day? 

Berwald crouched in front of Mathias, forcing him to make eye contact. “We know now. We can’t dwell on the what ifs otherwise we’ll drive ourselves insane. Lukas is going to be okay. He’s going to get help. You can’t beat yourself up for something you had no control over. I know you love him, and that you believe you should have seen the signs and put an end to Lukas’ self-harm years ago, but what you could have done doesn’t matter now. It’s what you will do. I know you said you’ll never take advantage of Lukas’ mental state, but if you love him, I mean really love him, make him feel it and be consistent with it. It might help him feel less alone.”

Mathias nodded and looked down at Lukas. “I fucked up.”

“No you didn’t.” Berwald said firmly. 

“No, I did,” he whispered. “I told Tino I didn’t love him, and he heard me. This is my fault,” silent tears rolled down his cheeks. “Why did I do that?”

“You were afraid,” Tino said. “You didn’t want people to know because then you’re vulnerable.” 

“It’s not an excuse.” He whispered, combing through Lukas’ hair. 

“No, but you did it, and now you’re making up for it.” Tino sighed. 

Berwald looked down at Lukas for a moment with an indecipherable look before returning to his spot next to Tino. They lapsed into silence, waiting for Emil, Leon, and Peter to return with the pizza. The tv hummed softly in the background, but no one paid it any attention, instead thinking about Lukas. 

Lukas shifted a few times, balling his fists in Mathias’ shirt. He frowned then startled awake. Mathias looked down at him, but Lukas closed his eyes again, pretending to be asleep. He didn’t want to talk or have to remove himself from Mathias’ arms. He took a few deep breaths and focused on the other man’s heart beat steadily thrumming in his chest. 

“Do you think he thought you were in love with Christoph?” Berwald asked after a while. 

“Maybe,” Mathias said as Lukas shrank in his arms. He knew he was awake, but he said nothing. “He’s basically my brother, though. Besides, Lukas is the only one I’ve ever wanted.” 

Lukas flushed, curling deeper into Mathias’ chest. Berwald nodded and turned his attention to the tv, clearly he got the answer he wanted. Mathias slid down the couch until his head was settled against the armrest and closed his eyes, mindlessly humming some song he heard Roderich play years ago that reminded him of Lukas. His eyes grew heavy, but he refused to fall asleep, partially because he knew there was a good chance no one would wake him and eat all the pizza themselves, leaving him nothing, but mostly because he was afraid Lukas would disappear back into his room and he wouldn’t be able to reach him. His arms tightened around the smaller man, reminding himself Lukas hadn’t gone anywhere. His breathing slowed as he lost the battle against a dreamless sleep.

* * *

The peaceful bubble in the living room was shattered by a loud bang and the shuffling of feet. Peter came in first, launching himself into Berwald’s arms with a bright laugh. Leon and Emil followed, pizza boxes in arm. 

“We thought we could eat in here,” Emil said, setting the boxes down on the coffee table. “Watch a movie or something. Just take it easy.” 

“Okay,” Tino said, standing to get plates. “Should we-”

“I’m awake,” Lukas mumbled from deep in Mathias’ chest. He turned his head to look at his family. 

“Are you feeling better, now?” Peter asked, clearly wanting to sit in Mathias’ lap. 

Lukas shrugged but gave him a small smile. “A little bit. The rock you gave me has some healing powers.” 

Peter grinned, crawling out of Berwald’s lap to go sit on the ground by Lukas’ head. “Really? I was hoping it had some magic in it.” 

Lukas dropped a hand over his shoulder, trying to give him a hug of sorts. Peter leaned his head against it and smiled, he was going to try to be as mellow as possible for Lukas. 

“Is Mathias asleep?” Peter asked. 

“Yes.” Lukas studied Mathias’ face. His eyelids were dark, and his mouth hung open slightly but not enough to snore. He looked younger in his sleep. A smile tugged at Lukas’ lips as he studied his face. He almost didn’t want to wake him. 

Tino returned with the plates, grinning at the look Lukas was giving Mathias. Lukas glanced up realising there were more people in the room than just Mathias, Peter, and him, and blushed. 

“Should we get him up?” 

“Yeah,” Lukas sighed, pulling himself out of Mathias’ arms and sliding onto the floor next to Peter. 

Mathias’ bolted upright having felt Lukas disappear. He searched the room almost frantically for him. 

“I’m right here,” Lukas said, reaching for a plate. “Dinner’s here.” 

Mathias took a deep breath and smiled at the back of his head, the tension instantly falling from his shoulders. He slid off the couch, settling on the other side of Peter, and pulled a slice of pizza from the box. 

Everyone else opted to sit on the couches, eating in an uncomfortable silence. No one wanted to bring up anything that could scare Peter, nor did they want to make Lukas uncomfortable. Peter inhaled his dinner, oblivious to the awkward air surrounding them. 

“I was promised a movie.” Peter said, reaching for a third slice of pizza. 

“What do you want to watch?” Lukas asked, reaching behind him for the remote. 

“I dunno,” Peter scratched his head, trying to think of a movie they hadn’t all seen a thousand times. “Megamind?”

“If you can find it,” Lukas handed him the remote. 

Peter smiled and searched for the film, jumping up on the couch when he found it. He was about to shout when he remembered Lukas wasn’t feeling good, and climbed down and over to Berwald and Tino, who were sitting on the couch opposite. He pressed play and snuggled in between them. The energy in the room shifted as the opening scene rolled. Leon sat in Emil’s lap, picking at his boyfriend’s leftover pizza crusts, occasionally pulling his attention from the screen to look up at him with a soft smile. Lukas pulled himself back up onto the couch and stretched out, one arm dangling over the side next to Mathias, who was sitting in front of Lukas on the floor. He polished off the remaining slices of pizza, paying little attention to the movie on the screen. 

“You can sit up here,” Lukas whispered about halfway through the movie. “I don’t mind.”

Mathais nodded, moving to the couch. Lukas sat up, reaching for a blanket, moving away from him slightly as he did so. Mathias wrapped an arm around the back of the couch and turned to the movie. Lukas inched closer as the movie went on until there were sitting thigh to thigh. He let his head drop and rest on Mathias’ shoulder, his eyes growing heavy. He looked around the room to see if anyone was looking. Emil’s eyes were shut, and Leon was looking up at him, playing with his hair. Tino was invested in the movie, Peter’s feet lying in his lap. Berwald and Peter were both asleep as far as Lukas could tell. Peter’s head tucked in his father’s chest. He glanced up at Mathias, who smiled down at him before turning back to watch Megamind fight Tighten. He settled into his side and fell asleep. 

He woke up some time later to a soft hand on his shoulder. He rubbed his eyes and looked around. 

“Where is everyone?” 

“Peter went to bed at nine, I think Leon and Emil went up around eleven, Berwald, Tino, and I stayed up and watched another movie, but they went up about halfway through.” 

Lukas nodded slowly. “What time is it?” 

“It’s, uh, two thirtyish. I wasn’t about to leave you down here, so,” Mathias said softly. “Up you get.” 

He stood with a soft grunt and followed Mathias upstairs, stopping at his bedroom door. 

“Come on,” he said. “You’re sleeping in my room.” 

Lukas stood still, staring at the ground. 

“Luka?”

“Why?”

“Why what?” He asked, stepping in front of him. 

Lukas looked up at him as though it were obvious. “You don’t need to keep an eye on me, you know.” 

“Maybe I want to,” he whispered. “And…”

“And?” 

“It’s nothing,” Mathais said after a long pause. “It’s your choice.” With that, he turned and crossed the hall into his bedroom, making a point to leave the door open for him, so he knew he was available. 

Lukas stood there stunned. And what? He thought to himself, walking into his room, the familiar emptiness settling in his chest. There were no photos on the wall or plants to speak of. The only hint of personality was Odin’s altar across from his bed, but that wasn’t even him. Gently, he placed the rock in the middle of a rock circle, remembering the pinecone that was still downstairs. He turned and was met with the now hard pool of wax on the floor and clenched his jaw, trying to push away the intrusive thoughts telling him to hurt himself again. Quickly, he changed into his pyjamas, brushed his teeth, and sat on the bed, his thoughts drowning out everything Mathias had told him. He wanted to believe what he’d been told was true, but they wouldn’t let him. 

He looked out the door and into the hall, the soft, warm light from Mathias’ room trickling into the cold, gray light of his. He stood almost mechanically and walked to the threshold of his room, knocking the door frame softly, staring at the ground in front of him. 

“Come here.” Mathias was sitting shirtless on the bed waiting for him. 

Slowly, Lukas made his way into his room, stopping every so often to look at a photo or tchotchke he hadn’t had an opportunity to look at earlier. Mathias pulled back the sheets and moved some pillows to make room for him to lie next to him, then lay back, staring at him. Lukas eventually lay down next to him and stared up at the ceiling. 

“And what?” He whispered after a long silence. 

“Lukas-” 

“And what, Mathias?” 

“And maybe I need you here with me.” 

Lukas nodded slowly, crossing his arms around his chest. “I couldn’t stay there.” 

Before Mathias could respond, Lukas sat up and turned to face him. 

“I couldn’t be in there alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore.” 

“You’re not. You’ve got Emil and Tino, Berwald, Leon is more than willing to be there for you, and not just because he’s dating Emil and you’re his brother,” he started, sitting up. “And you have me, you’ll always have me.” 

“I have you.” He echoed softly, the words feeling foreign on his tongue. 

They lapsed into a comfortable silence. Lukas stared out the window, snow still falling, silencing the chaos and bringing a new peace to the house. A red fox trotted through the field in the back of the house, a cat following closely behind. He smiled softly, glancing over at Mathias before turning back to the world outside. Mathias watched him in wonder. Lukas, on one hand, had hardly changed since they were young, he believed in the old gods and worshiped them to the best of his ability. He’d never lost the wonder of nature, despite covering every inch of Denmark, Sweden. Norway, Iceland, and Finland on foot, and he never lost his craving for adventure and travel. On the other hand he changed so much, he was hardly the same person. There was more pain in his eyes and regret on his shoulders. He became a steady and quiet presence, rather than the rambunctious and hot headed Viking he’d once been. He grew wiser and more resilient than before, when he tried to be all knowing for the sake of everyone else, even if he had no clue what he was talking about. So lost in thought, he missed the small smile Lukas gave him. The sight of a cat running in the corner of his eye brought him back to reality. 

“Did you see that?”

“The cat and the fox?” Lukas asked. “Yes.” 

“What does it mean?”

“It could mean many things.” He obfuscated.

“Tell me what you think it means.” Mathias said, leaning close to Lukas. 

“You haven’t forgotten the Edda. You know what it means.” 

“Tell me anyway?”

Lukas huffed and faced him. “The red fox could be a symbol of Sigyn, who held the bowl over Loki’s head to protect him from the snake venom from dripping on his forehead as punishment for killing Balder and beginning Ragnarök, only leaving when the bowl filled, allowing a few drops to fall on his head causing him to writhe in pain. As for the cat, Freya always favoured them…”

Mathias smiled, understanding what the gods were trying to say. “So it’s good then?” 

“It should be.” He looked down at his lap. “I could be wrong, it could be a battle omen. Sigyn and Freya are both fierce warriors.”

Mathias nodded and looked out the window. “I doubt that it’s a battle omen.” He leaned back against the headboard. “Can I ask you something, Luka? You don’t have to answer it if it’s too much.” The question had been bothering him since that morning, but he didn’t have the courage to ask. 

“Yes?”

“Have you ever thought about killing yourself?” He chewed the inside of his lip as Lukas considered the question. 

“No, not since I was married to Berwald. I really never had time to consider it since then. Besides, I saw what it did to the people who love Roderich. I could never do that to you all.”

“And just disappearing?”

“Disappearing how?”

“Going into the woods one day and never coming back…”

“Walking with Odin? I’ve considered it, it’s compelling…” Tears welled in his eyes. “But I couldn’t anymore.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to be-” A harsh sob cut him off from whatever explanation he was about to give. 

“Hey, hey, you don’t have to be. You’re not alone,” Mathias pulled him into his arms, stroking his hair. “You don’t have to stay there anymore if you don’t want to. You can stay with me for as long as you like,” he knew Lukas wasn’t crying because of a hypothetical situation, but rather the thought of him making him return to his room and leaving him alone. “You don’t have to be alone anymore, Luka. I’m here.” Silent tears rolled down his cheeks. “I’m not going anywhere.” 

He rocked them both side to side, humming a lullaby from their childhood. Lukas’ body shook. Every choked sob chipped away at Mathias’ heart. He hated that he was crying. Humming became soft singing as he tried to stop Lukas from crying. Lukas’ sobs slowed, the occasional hiccup taking their place. 

He looked up at Mathias when he stopped singing.

“What?” He asked softly, wiping the tears away from Lukas’ cheeks. 

“You’ve never been in love with Christoph?”

“No, he’s not my type, and even if he were, I’m definitely not his.”

“You aren’t?” Lukas raised his eyebrow. He had a hard time believing Mathias wasn’t everyone’s type. 

“He’s more the green eyes, brown hair, boobs kind of guy.” 

Lukas frowned. “That’s pretty much every girl he knows and every girl he follows on Instagram.”

Mathias grinned. “I’ll give you three guesses.” 

“It can’t be Elizabet, she’s dating Lea,” he thought about the other brown haired green eyed women he knew. “Laura?”

“You didn’t hear it from me.”

Lukas chuckled then yawned. Mathias lay them down, keeping his arms wrapped around Lukas’ waist. He tucked his head under his chin with a smile.

“Go to sleep, I’m not going anywhere.”

He shook his head, trying to fight off sleep. “No, wanna stay up.”

“Luka,” Mathias sighed. “Sleep we have all day tomorrow.”

He tried to argue, but yawned instead. 

“I’ll tell you a story, it won’t be nearly as good as anything Emil can come up with, but Peter doesn't complain.”

Lukas nodded. 

“Okay,” Matthias said, delving into a story about a knight who fell in love with a prince who would be king. 

Lukas listened content, snorting whenever the knight did anything that reminded him even remotely of Mathias. His eyes grew heavy listening to the prince coming to the knight’s rescue by using magic to tame a pack of wild wolves who had been convinced by the king to kill him and ensure his nephew would marry someone else and unify two kingdoms. He never heard how the story ended. 

Mathias continued, watching his breathing even out and his head grow heavy on his chest. He finished the story giving the knight and the prince a happy ending. The prince renounced the throne and the knight left the order, they moved to a small town on the sea and lived happily ever after. He kissed the top of his head and closed his eyes, sleep washing over him like waves on the sand. 

* * *

Peter bolted upright around four from a nightmare. He looked around his room and frowned at a shadow in the corner. From his bed in the dark, he couldn’t tell if it was his towel hanging on the wall or a person watching him. His hand crept towards the light switch, flicking on the light. He let out a sigh of relief, seeing his towel hanging up on the hook on the wall. He grabbed his stuffed shark and crept out of his room and down the hall to his parents room. He paused for a moment outside of Mathias’ open door. A large lump lay in the middle of the Dane’s bed. He glanced across the hall to Lukas’ room, who’s door was left uncharacteristically open. He peeked his head in, seeing no one he looked back into Mathias’ room. He smiled to himself, happy that Lukas finally let Mathias close. 

He continued down the hall to his parents room, opening the door as silently as possible, careful not to wake them. They wouldn’t kick him out, but he didn’t want to wake them if he didn’t need to. He crawled into the middle of the bed, settling down with one leg touching each of theirs. A greater sense of safety washed over him as his eyes once again grew heavy. In the distance, he felt Tino turn and wrap and arm around his chest, his hand resting on Berwald’s stomach. Peter drifted off into sweeter dreams. 

“We’ll talk to him in the morning.” Berwald mumbled half asleep. 

Tino hummed in agreement, snuggling closer to them both. “If he wants to.”

“I won’ push him.” 

“I know.” 

“Goodnight snygging. I love you.” 

“I love you too rakas.” 

They drifted back to sleep, the house falling silent once again.


	2. Chapter 2

Mathais woke to an unfamiliar weight on top of his body and bright light shining through his closed eyes. He took a deep breath, scrubbing his face before opening his eyes and looking down, his nose brushing the top of Lukas’ head. He smiled, remembering the night before. He stroked his back, listening to the steady in and out of Lukas’ breath, reminding him he was there--that he wasn’t dreaming. Mathias looked out the window, his mind wandering to all the places he wanted to take Lukas to one day, even if he’d been there already, it would be different if he took him there, right? 

He was so deep in thought, he almost missed Lukas waking up. Mathias looked down and grinned at him. 

“Good morning Luka.” He whispered, he could get used to waking up like this if Lukas let him. 

Lukas hummed and looked up before starting back. He looked around with a frown unsure of how he’d ended up on top of Mathias. 

“It’s okay, nothing happened. You didn’t want to sleep alone last night.” 

Lukas nodded and shifted so he was no longer on top of Mathias. Before he could mourn the loss of Lukas snuggling with him, he lay his head back on his chest and looked out the window, his thumb rubbing small circles on Mathais’ collar bone.

“Something on your mind?” Mathias asked. 

“There always is,” he whispered. “You know that.”

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?”

Lukas shrugged.

“Tell me.” 

“It’s nothing important,” he mumbled. 

“It’s important to me,” Mathias said with a smile. “I like knowing what’s going on in that head of yours.” 

Lukas looked up with sad eyes. 

“Don’t start. I want to know what’s going on in your head, no matter how dark and terrifying it is. You aren’t alone anymore. You never have to be again. Please, just let me in Luka.” 

Lukas sat up, bringing his knees to his chest, facing Mathias. “Are you sure?”

Mathias nodded, holding out one hand for Lukas to take if he wanted. 

“I was thinking about Roderich,” he stopped, trying to organise his thoughts into something coherent. 

Mathias felt a pang of jealousy in his chest and the mention of Roderich’s name. 

“I was thinking about how no one noticed how alone he felt… How depressed he really was before it was too late. The people who loved him, Mathias, the people he was married to, the people who supposedly knew everything about him, didn’t notice. They say he’s just a good actor, that he puts on a show for everyone, but he’s never been a good actor. You know it, I know it, everyone knows that if something is wrong in Roderich’s life there’s always a clear indicator.” 

“He’s a good liar, Luka.” Mathias sighed. 

“A good liar doesn’t make a good actor,” he said. “In a crowded room he’s lonely. He tried to kill himself several times, but after every ‘recovery’ everyone seems to think he’s magically better and leave him to his own devices. How alone… who would notice…” he stopped, realising how he sounded. “I don’t mean it like that… like no one would care, but he thinks no one would notice if he died… or disappeared.” At some point, his hand had made its way into Mathias’, who was stroking his knuckles with his thumb. “Would anyone notice if I…” he trailed off, staring at nothing in particular. 

“I would be devastated,” Mathias sat, placing his hands on Lukas’ shoulders, pulling him out of his head. “I can’t lose you, Lukas.” 

Lukas searched his face for some indication Mathias was lying but found none. His eyes were gentle and sad, and his usual smile had been replaced with a serious look. 

“If something were to happen to you,” he continued, his eyes welling with tears. “I don’t know what I’d do.” Tears rolled down his cheeks. 

Lukas stared at him in shock for a moment. He’d spent so long convincing himself that Mathias would hardly notice if he killed himself, that he could hardly believe what he was hearing. A choked sob pulled him out of his shock, and he kicked into gear. 

“Please don’t cry,” Lukas whispered, cupping his cheeks. “I’m sorry.” 

“What for?” Mathias sniffled. 

“Everything.”

Mathias shook his head, wiping away at his eyes. “You’ve done nothing wrong.”

Lukas gave him an unimpressed stare. He didn’t understand how Mathias could be so forgiving towards him. 

“It’s true.” 

Lukas shook his head. 

They sat in silence, listening to the steady tick of the clock and soft footsteps indicating the house was slowly waking. Mathias lay back against the pillows, one hand behind his head, the other in Lukas’ hand, and stared up and the other man, who was looking out the window at the just barely visible tracks in the snow. 

“You’re thinking again.” He whispered. 

“Hmm?” Lukas looked down at him with wide eyes. 

“You’re thinking again.”

“I’m always thinking.”

“What are you thinking about now?”

He looked back out the window and took a deep breath. “You.” His voice was barely louder than a whisper.

“What about me?”

Lukas avoided looking back at Mathias, keeping his eyes trained on the snowy field outside. “You could have spent your Sunday with everyone, or gone out with Christoph and Gilbert, but you gave it all up to be with me.”

“Of course,” he smiled. “I wanted to be with you. You’re more important to me than a few beers with the Beilschmidt brothers. Besides, I care about you and I never want to lose you again because I--” Mathias was cut off by a booming voice calling his name from downstairs. 

Lukas’ shoulders dropped, recognising the voice immediately. “Go, I should get changed. I have some work I need to get done anyway.”

“You can’t just turn around and work after-”

“I have before,” Lukas snapped, sliding off the bed. “I always do.”

Mathias frowned at him, his heart shattering all over again. “Call out sick.”

“Mathias, Christoph is waiting for you. Go, I’m okay.” He wasn’t. The thought of Christoph taking Mathias away when he needed him made his stomach churn.

Mathias stood and walked away from the bed. Lukas swallowed heavily and took a deep breath, steeling himself for the inevitable abandonment. Mathias walked over to his dresser and pulled out a shirt and a sweater, which he passed over to Lukas. 

“Call out sick, Luka,” he said, pulling the shirt over his head. “You-” 

“I told you, I’m okay. Go be with Christoph, I’ll be fine by mys-” 

“Lukas, not being alone anymore means not pulling away whenever someone else is vying for my attention. You’re my priority, no matter what.” 

Lukas swallowed, looking at the floor. He didn’t want to make Christoph uncomfortable, nor did he want to intrude. 

“Hey, we both want you there, okay?” He stepped in front of Lukas. “You’re not going to ruin anything. Chris is easy, he won’t mind.” 

He nodded slowly, tugging on Mathias’ sweater and playing with the hem. Mathias held his hand out for Lukas to take, leading him out of the bedroom and downstairs. 

* * *

Christoph was sitting in the living room with his feet propped up on the coffee table, a cup of coffee sitting at his feet. Berwald was in the kitchen pouring coffee into two mugs while waiting for apple cider to warm up on the stove. Aside from them, everyone was still in bed, trying to ignore that it was, in fact, Monday. The cider simmered on the stove and Berwald took it off the stove and poured it into a mug before carrying the cups upstairs for Tino and Peter. Christoph could hear him stop for a moment on the stairs, and a short muffled conversation, before continuing on. Footsteps grew closer and he turned his head. 

“Alas, Sleeping Beauty had arisen,” he grinned, catching Lukas out of the corner of his eye. “Hey Lukas.” 

“Hi.” Lukas said weakly, letting go of Mathias’ hand and turning to the kitchen to get himself a cup of coffee, and avoid Christoph for as long as possible.

Christoph gave him a onceover as he left and turned to Mathias with his eyes raised, silently asking him if he and Lukas had started dating. It didn’t go unnoticed that Lukas was wearing one of Mathias’ sweaters and came downstairs holding his hand. Mathias shook his head and mouthed later. Christoph nodded. 

“What’s new with you?” Mathias asked, sitting on the couch opposite Christoph. 

“Nothing much. Sebastian tried to set me up with some girl, but she wasn’t Laura.” 

“You should just ask her out. She might say yes.”

Christoph smiled. “What about you?”

Mathias’ shoulders sagged as he took a deep breath and glanced into the kitchen. Lukas was searching for a mug, whether or not he was listening to them he couldn’t tell, but he didn’t want to tell Christoph too much without his permission. 

“Mathias?” His smile fell from his face. “What’s going on?”

“Something happened yesterday.” He said. 

“Which is why you cancelled on me, which is fine, by the way.” 

Mathias nodded. “With Lukas…” He moved to the seat next to Christoph, not wanting Lukas to overhear anything. 

“Did you?” 

“No, I said I hadn’t,” he hissed. “It’s not good.” 

“Like…” Roderich’s name went unsaid, but it was as clear as day what Christoph was trying to say. 

Mathias said nothing, burying his face in his hands. “I fucked up.”

Christoph pulled him into a hug. “But you’re trying to fix it, right?”

Mathias nodded against his chest. 

“Lukas will come around. He definitely doesn’t hate you.” 

Mathias pulled back, running a hand through his hair. “Can we talk about it later? I just need to find out how much I can tell you before…” 

“For sure.” Christoph smiled. 

“So, what brings you around?”

“I’m not actually here for you specifically.” 

Mathias pouted and crossed his arms over his chest dramatically. 

“I actually wanted to talk to Lukas for a moment, but if it’s not a good idea-”

“We can talk.” Lukas said, standing in the door frame. 

Christoph’s head snapped up. 

“I just know Mathias wants to know what he can say. He can say whatever he wants. He trusts you to keep your mouth shut.” He turned back to the kitchen and took his usual seat in the corner. 

Christoph stood slowly and followed him into the kitchen. He took the seat next to Mathias’ wanting to leave some space between them just in case Lukas was uncomfortable talking to him, which he seemed to be. They sat in awkward silence for a while, neither knowing what to say. In the entire time they had known each other, they had never been alone together. Lukas started to tap his fingers against his coffee cup, his breathing becoming more erratic the longer they sat. 

“Hey,” Christoph leaned forward slightly. “You’re safe. I’m not going to hurt you.” 

Lukas nodded but curled up a little smaller anyway, the sleeve of Mathias’ sweater pulling back slightly showing his gauze wrapped arm. 

Christoph leaned back, his eyes landing on the gauze. “What happened?” He asked before he could stop himself. 

Lukas pulled the sleeve down and looked away, taking a shaky breath. 

“You don’t have to tell me, it’s okay,” he said gently. He was used to this. “Have you changed the gauze recently?”

He shook his head no. 

“Would you mind if I? You don’t have to say no, if you do mind, you can tell me.” 

“I don’t mind.” Lukas whispered, trying to take a deep breath. 

Christoph stood and retrieved the first aid kit from under the sink. Lukas marveled at how comfortable he was in their kitchen, he knew where everything was and seemed to understand the nuanced traditions of their living situation. When Christoph returned, he sat in Mathias’ seat and held out his hand. 

“I’ve got you,” he said gently as Lukas placed his arm in his hand. He gently unraveled the gauze, careful not to tug anything that had attached to the gauze. “This might hurt a little,” he said, noticing how Lukas flinched every so often. 

Once he got the old gauze off, he gave his arm a once overlooking for any signs of an infection. Seeing nothing, he carefully cleaned and rewrapped his arm. He pulled his arm back, tugging down the sleeve.

“I’ve seen worse,” Christoph said. “Did you…” 

Lukas nodded slowly. 

“Okay, I just want you to hear me out, okay?” 

He nodded again, wrapping his arms around his legs and resting his chin on his knees. 

“I know you don’t know me, and I don’t know how much you trust me yet, but I want you to know I have nothing but your best interests at heart. Matt talks about you a lot…” 

Lukas took a sharp breath. 

“Like all the time. To him, you hung the sun, the stars, and the moon. I would like to think I’m his best friend, but I’m not. You are. He absolutely adores you and always wants you around. When I ask if you want to come out with us, it’s not out of pity. I’m not doing it just to be nice or… I don’t know… just to ask, I want you there. I want to get to know you Lukas, because the way Matt describes you, you are incredible. You seem fantastic, and I want to get to know you. Please stop turning down my invitations all the time, Matt wants you there, I want you there, okay? You’re always welcome. You’re not alone.” 

He looked up at him in shock, he didn’t know what Christoph was going to say, but this wasn’t what he expected. 

“And you can always come to me, if you need something. I think I’m a little better versed in helping people in similar situations as you.”

Lukas nodded again. 

“Anyway, can you keep a secret from Mathias for a little while?” 

“Yeah.” Lukas said, raising an eyebrow as if it were obvious. 

“Good. I asked out this girl and she said yes, right? We were going to get drinks on Friday night, but something came up, so we’re going to get coffee Saturday morning. Does that mean she’s less interested in me or am I reading too much into this and she’s actually interested in me and I’m just overthinking? Is coffee better than a restaurant? Why are you laughing?” 

He took a moment to calm down, trying not to laugh. “Sorry, I’m not laughing at you. Laura prefers breakfast to dinner. You’re overthinking it.” 

“How did you know-” 

“I overheard you and Mathias,” he lied, not wanting to ruin any chance of a friendship between himself and Christoph. “Sorry.” 

“No, no, it’s okay. You’re sure I’m not overthinking?” 

“Positive. She wouldn’t have said yes to an alternative if she weren’t.”

They sat in silence, the only sound coming from the occasional knock of Lukas’ coffee mug against the table. They listened for any telltale sounds the rest of the house was awake, but there was nothing except the soft echo of the news coming from the living room.

“How long?” Christoph asked, looking down at Lukas’ arm.

“Hmm?” Lukas lifted his head to look at him. Christoph’s hair was falling out of his bun and he seemed exhausted. 

“How long? You don’t have to-” 

“Five-ish years consistently, but off and on for as long as I can remember.” 

Christoph’s heart broke. “Why?”

He shrugged. “Because no one needs me. Because I hurt people and I have to atone for it. Because it’s easier.” 

“Than?”

“Being rejected.” Lukas whispered.

“By Mathias?” 

He nodded hesitantly, looking over Christoph’s shoulder to Mathias lying on the couch with an arm in the air. He didn’t seem to be listening to them, his attention turned to the commentator on the news discussing some global calamity or another. 

“I don’t want to overstep, but give him a chance to make up for whatever he did. You mean a lot to him.” 

“I love him.” Lukas whispered. “He doesn’t love me.”

Christoph frowned at him before nodding. Everything about the enigmatic puzzle that was Lukas suddenly made sense to him. A clear image of what transpired the morning before appeared in his mind. “I see.” 

“I can’t say anything… he’d leave.” He started to shake. 

“Shit, no, hey, no, Mathias would never leave you,” he knelt in front of him. “Do you want a cup of hot chocolate?” 

Lukas looked at him like he’d grown a sparkly green horn between his eyes. “How…”

“I told you, he talks about you endlessly. I probably know more about you than you’ve ever told anyone about yourself…” he stood, searching for one of Lukas’ more favoured mugs. “Sorry, that sounded incredibly creepy. I mean, Mathias has told me a lot about you. Things you do, things you seem to enjoy or not enjoy, habits you have. He notices a lot when it comes to you, Lukas.” 

Lukas shrugged. 

“He does! He… is listening to our conversation.”

Mathias walked into the kitchen sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I just wanted to check in,” he said looking through Christoph to Lukas. “Make sure you’re okay.” 

Lukas smiled softly, nodding. 

“Good.” Mathias smiled and turned to leave. 

“Stay.” Lukas said without a moment’s thought.

“I don’t know Luka… It seems pretty personal.”

“Nah, I’m just telling Lukas how much you talk about him.”

Mathias ducked his head in a fleeting attempt to hide his blush. “Well…” 

Lukas caught his eye and smiled slightly. Christoph stood and went back to rooting around for hot chocolate and breakfast things, humming softly as he did. Mathias sat in the chair in front of Lukas, taking his hand in his. 

“How much did you hear?” Lukas whispered.

“I heard something about me leaving and after that.” 

He nodded slowly, unsure of what to say. 

“He’s right,” Mathias said, leaning forward slightly. “I, Mathias Køhler, will never leave your side until you forcefully send me away, and even then I will never leave.”

Christoph glanced at the pair out of the side of his eyes and smiled. “You know, I think what I’m looking for might be in the cupboard in the formal…” And with that he left the pair to talk without an audience. He ran into Emil and Leon, who were coming down the stairs and signaled them to go back up. Mathias and Lukas needed privacy. 

Lukas opened his mouth to say something, but stopped and looked around the room for Christoph. 

“He went somewhere else.” Mathias said. 

He nodded, looking back to him. 

“I mean it, I’ll never leave your side.” 

Mathias drowned out the voices telling him to run, not to trust him, that he was just trying to be nice. 

“How did the story end?” Lukas asked. 

“The prince and the knight went back to the castle and confronted the prince’s uncle. The prince renounced the throne and his younger brother was more than happy to be next in line. They both knew he would be better at it anyway. The knight, realising the prince’s uncle would never let him live in peace, left the order, and he and the prince moved to a small town on the water, where no one knew who they were, and lived happily ever after. The knight bought a small tavern which became the best in town and the prince baked goods and read to the town's children on the beach.”

“Peaceful,” he whispered. “I like it.”

Mathias grinned, his eyes glittering. “Thanks.”

Lukas nodded, focusing on Mathias’ hand in his. It felt right, like it was anchoring him to the shore during a storm. 

“I love you, Lukas.” Mathias said so quickly it sounded more like ‘Iloveyoulukas’. 

His head shot up and his eyes widened. “Don’t play with me, please.” He whispered. 

Mathias’ free hand cupped his cheek. “I love you, Lukas.” 

He looked away. “Mathias…” 

“I love you, Luka,” he turned his head back to him. “You don’t have to say anything because I know I have a lot of making up to do, but you need to know. You’re the prince, the man in my dreams. I would never date anyone like you because they aren’t you. I love you. It’s always been you, ever since we were kids. I don’t try this hard with just anyone-”

“Christoph.” Lukas mumbled.

“Not even with him, he’s just always open to being with me. You, however, are the only person I always want to be around.”

A small smile tugged across his face. 

“Let me hold the bowl over your head, let me take care of you. There will never be a day where I don’t wake up in love with you, and your books, your four am hikes, your belief in the old gods, your magic, your cups of sugary coffee that I’ve had the misfortune of drinking one too many times, your sense of family, and your independence. I love your little idiosyncrasies. I was drunk and angry and I wanted to believe what I was saying, but I couldn’t because I saw you the next day with Peter on your lap reading the Edda to him and it reminded me of when we were together raising Emil, and I knew you were the only person I’ve ever wanted a family with.” 

He grinned and leaned forward slightly. 

“I know I said you didn’t have to say anything, but it would be kind of nice if you did.” Mathias whispered, as the realisation of how much he said forced confidence out of the way for anxiety. 

“I’ve never been good with words,” he whispered, as he leaned in and kissed him gently before pulling back. 

Mathias’ eyes seemed to sparkle as he smiled down at Lukas. He leaned forward and kissed him again, trying to put all his love into it. Lukas smiled into the kiss, one hand finding its way to the hair at the nape of his neck. Mathias’ arms wrapped around his torso.

“I love you too,” Lukas whispered when they finally pulled apart. “I always have.”

He kissed the tip of Lukas’ nose, and dipped his head to kiss him again when he heard someone clearing their throat from the doorway. 

“I see you two have… uh… sorted things out.” Christoph said, Emil and Leon peeking out from behind them. Emil gave his brother a shit eating grin before dragging Leon back to the couch in the living room. 

Lukas groaned and hid his head in the crook of Mathias’ shoulder. Mathias just smiled, leaning his head against Lukas’. 

“Yeah, I think we’re starting to figure things out.” 

“Good, everyone is hungry and kind of pissed off that I kept them out of the kitchen.”

Lukas looked up. “Everyone?”

“Except Berwald and Peter, who were apparently having a conversation.” 

He nodded and pulled away from Mathias, leaning back in the chair. “I can’t have anything to myself in this fucking house, can I?” 

“Nope!” Tino yelled from the living room. 

Lukas sent a look of disdain in his general direction before turning back to Christoph, who was in the process of making crepes. 

“You need hands?” Mathias asked, after watching him struggle to balance opening various jars and stopping the crepes from burning. “I could open things.” 

Christoph nodded and Mathias went to help. Lukas watched the pair shove each other as they cooked. At some point, Christoph pushed a cup of hot chocolate into his hands with a small smile. He nodded in thanks, watching him return to their breakfast.

Eventually, Tino wandered in, placing the newspapers on the table before turning the coffee pot on and pulling out mugs for everyone. He raised his eyebrows at him, silently asking if he wanted coffee, but Lukas shook his head, looking down at the hot chocolate in his hands. Tino nodded in understanding before silently taking a seat and fishing out the sports section from each of the papers. Lukas looked out into the living room where Emil and Leon were sitting on opposite sides of the couch on their phones, occasionally showing each other something on their screens. Lukas could hear Berwald and Peter laughing as they came downstairs and settled on the couch to check the weather. Peter wanted to know if there was enough snow to drag everyone sledding on the hill not far from their house. 

Looking around, Lukas took a deep breath. He knew nothing was fixed overnight, but things were going to get better, and he had people who wanted to help him. Mathias turned back and smiled at him. He was holding a small bowl with mistletoe painted around the sides. He smiled back, shaking his head. 

Even if he had nothing, at least he might have Mathias at his side. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is going to be a series... thoughts?

**Author's Note:**

> Snygging- Handsome (Swedish)  
> Rakas- Dear (Finnish) 
> 
> Odin- The King of the Æsir. God of wisdom, war, death, poetry, divination, and magic. While being the leader of the Æsir, he often wanders the cosmos alone and in disguise in pursuit of divine knowledge and imparted it upon those he deemed worthy. He was worshiped first and foremost by kings and warrior chiefs. He is often accompanied by two Ravens, Huginn (Thought) and Muninn (Memory). 
> 
> Freya- A member of the Vanir and an honourary member of the Æsir. The goddess of blessings, love, lust, and fertility, is also a fierce warrior on the battlefield, despite her preference to gentle persuasion and gifts. She is often accompanied by two black or gray domestic cats, who pull her chariot. 
> 
> Sigyn- A member of the Æsir. The goddess of victory and possibly also fidelity. She is also the the second wife to Loki. Upon bringing about Ragnarök, Loki was chained to a cave with a poison that would cause immense pain dripping onto his face as punishment for tricking Hodr into killing his brother Balder. Sigyn stayed by his side, holding a bowl over his head to stop the poison from reaching her husband, only leaving him when the bow was full and needed to be emptied. She is believed to be accompanied by a fox.


End file.
